McMama's Musings

One for the books

2012-01-20T11:56:00.000-08:00

I have had some trouble getting motivated today. The Internet has, as it will, sucked me in. Finally, after lunch, I got to work cleaning the kitchen.

When I checked the mail, though, there was a copy of Newsweek with this very informative article explaining the truth of the Obama administration.

So I was sitting on the couch, reading (instead of listening to an audiobook like I usually would be while cleaning) when I overheard this heart-wrenching conversation between Quentin (7) and Jude (4), who are playing together in the bath.

Q: "Jude, I love you."
J: "Aw, but sometimes you get mad at me."
Q: "Yeah, but I always, ALWAYS love you… Do you always love me, even if you feel like you hate me sometimes?"
J: "...yeah"

AND THEN MY HEART EXPLODED.

Giving up caffeine (alternately titled: I am an idiot)

2012-01-17T11:43:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed a disturbing trend in my energy levels. Namely, they were declining quickly, especially on days which were totally coffee-missing, and they weren't nearly so high on caffeinated days as would previously have been the case.

But not to worry! I had a brilliant plan to remedy the situation: I would stop drinking coffee.

I'll let that sink in a minute.

So yeah, I had a couple of really hellish weeks, in which I was excessively touchy, crabby, yelly, and desperate. Then one day last week, I was super-busy and decided it called for one single serving of coffee. That day, I DID ALL THE THINGS, and it was amazing.

Thus, the good news was revealed to me. It was thus: drink your stinking coffee, woman.

How can I argue with that?

Headlines are the editor's job (and I don't have one)

2012-01-10T07:01:00.000-08:00

Every year about this time, it seems, a sort of desperation comes over me. I begin to feel the strain of being the primary caretaker of my children, in a certain environment. I'm responsible for their wellbeing, their education, handling Quentin's special needs, and all without the support of family and community, without much opportunity to focus on myself or recharge. My husband is amazing, but he works 40 hours a week, and has limited reserves of his own.

I know that all parents deal with this, to a degree. Those who send their kids to school and those who don't, those who work at home (for pay or not) or those who work away, those who have one child and those who have ten. But this is my story and my struggle. I'm not interested in competitions about whose life is harder, I just need safe space to purge my thoughts and emotions.

I feel like I struggle with this at least once a year, but this year is different, because I know that Quentin requires special services which I cannot provide for him. If he's to have the therapies recommended by the psychologist who diagnosed him, we'll have to enlist professionals, at our own cost. And Quentin seems to be struggling more and more the older he gets. Perhaps it's because he's aging, his cognitive abilities are increasing, but his coping skills are not. While a 4 year old with the coping skills of a 2 year old might not seem that odd or unexpected, a 7 year old with those same coping skills becomes harder to deal with as a parent. I can TELL that he needs more help. I KNOW that he needs someone who is trained to give him the tools he needs to handle life. Sometimes I wish I had someone to do that for me.

So yet again, around and around in my head spin thoughts of school. These days I am furious that our society operates in such a way that in order not to have to pay out of pocket for the services Quentin requires, I would have to send him to an institution whose values I strongly disagree with. The values public schools seek to instill in our children are not the ones I want my children to have. The force-feeding of arbitrary ideas and facts that some higher political power has deemed appropriate (and which, if learned at all, are likely to be promptly forgotten) is not my idea of learning. I feel all but certain that it would serve to suck the joy of curiosity out of BOTH of my children. Even more important are our feelings about time well-spent, togetherness, and family.

And yet. I find myself waking each day feeling less and less able to cope with the ever increasing demands of parenting my high-needs son. He has always been high-needs, and maybe the cumulative effect, combined with worsening symptoms is more than I can bear without more support. But I don't know what to do. Short of winning the lottery or ever-increasing medical debt, I don't know how to get Quentin the therapies that would help him, unless we send him to a public school, which is mandated by the state to provide him the services he requires. And who knows? Maybe because of his diagnosis and because of those extra assistances in place, school would be different for him than I've always feared. But I can't let go of the eight-plus years of self-conditioning that public schools are not what I want for my children.

Maybe this is just another annual phase. I seem to cycle yearly through this feeling of not being able to cope any longer, of hopelessness and isolation, of breakdown, but by the time the light returns in earnest, the days lengthening and the air warming, I usually begin to feel myself again. I start to feel like I can do it, like I can cope, like there is hope for us all yet.

Happy New Year

2011-12-31T12:33:00.000-08:00

I've been spending way too much time online this week. The reasons for this are myriad (my house is suffering PCDD - post christmas disorder disorder (What? It's a working title.), I've discovered Pinterest (cool things I've actually been doing!) and re-discovered Facebook (amazing friends)), but the upshot is that on this last day of 2011, I've seen more mentions of the ubiquitous New Year's Resolution Guide than I can count.

Tomorrow is just another day, one of the 30,000 or so I might get out of this life. But even though, practically speaking, it has no special meaning (after all, the Solstice is our real new year celebration), I'm hoping it will mark the beginning of a year filled with good things. In this spirit, I tried to think of some of my own resolutions, to help it along.

What do I want for 2012? Well, I'd like it to not suck as much as 2011 did. But that's not really a "resolution," is it?

Then, as I was reading this awesome post about how resolutions are often only bandaids over the expression of our deeper unhappiness, it dawned on me.

I'm happy.

I'm not crazy giddy or anything. I'm just sort of... Content. Sure, there are things about myself and my life I'd like to change (get rich, lose weight, make friends, blahblahblah), but hell, if life was perfect, it would be really boring. Sure, 2011 sucked in more ways than I can count, but there were a few bright spots. Despite the suckitude (you're welcome, Becky) of the past year, I've found contentment because of an amazing family, wonderful friends, a spiritual home, and an heretofore alien feeling of self-confidence.

Yes, I'm shoving 2011 out the door with a kick in the pants. But I am welcoming 2012 with a sense of hope and the knowledge that, even if by some fluke the events of next year suck as much as those of the last, I can still find it in myself to be happy.

Love. Peace. Laughter. Hope. These are the gifts of happiness I wish for myself (and for you!) in 2012.

Happy New Year.

Coping with Asperger's

2011-12-06T16:04:00.001-08:00

What it's like to raise a kid with autism is just as hard to pin down as what it's like to raise a kid, period. The Autism Spectrum is deep and wide, and no two kids on the spectrum are going to exhibit the same set of strengths, deficits, and behaviors.

Quentin's particular version of autism is called Asperger Syndrome, sometimes called Asperger's or just AS. It's generally referred to as a "mild" form of autism, and while people with AS are far more likely to grow up to live and work independently, very little feels "mild" about life with an AS kid.

The official diagnostic report we received from the psychology practice that evaluated him (using the Vineland Adaptive Behavior Scales and Differential Abilities Scale, in addition to observation and parental survey) listed a wide range of strengths and weaknesses. What struck me the most, though, and indeed what makes the Asperger's diagnosis appropriate for Quentin, was his "socialization" (social abilities) score. This was broken down into three sections - interpersonal relationships, play and leisure time, and coping skills. I'm not sure what "play and leisure time" evaluated, exactly, but the other two seem fairly obvious. These were scored using an age equivalency (evaluated level is appropriate for a child of a certain age), and Quentin's scores were 2 years 11 months, 3 years 1 month, and 1 year 10 months, respectively. My 7-year-old's coping skills are at a level below age 2. Consider also that his receptive communications abilities fall in the 3.5 year old range.

All of this would be hard to deal with no matter what. What makes it extra difficult for me to deal with is that his cognitive abilities are significantly above average. Except for his spatial skills (which I'm not even sure about because he's usually quite good with that sort of thing), he scored in the 90+ percentile in every cognitive category. Another thing about AS is the "little professor," pedantic nature of speech.

When Quentin acts out, I often think (and sometimes say, to my chagrin), "Come on, kid, act your age!" While that might be a fitting enough response for a neurotypical child, it's completely unfair to Quentin. He is acting his emotional age. But it's hard for me to remember that he's got the coping skills of a 2-year-old when he's doing math like he's 12 and talking like he's 40.

And of course, I worry too much about what other people think. I don't know what it is with our culture, why children are loathed instead of valued, but people don't like kids. At least not kids who act like kids. It's ok for them to be well-behaved, walking-talking dolls, sure. But it's not ok for them to explore their world, push the limits of their understanding (and their parents' patience), lose control of their emotions, or, well, be kids.

Now try imagining a 7-year-old throwing a tantrum like a 2-year-old in a public place. What do you think the bystanders are thinking? "Jeez, lady, control your kid!" "That kid's parents are sure doing something wrong." "MY child would never act that way!" "That boy needs a good swift kick in the behind!" and so on. And since I'm blessed with many childfree friends (whom I love and adore), and spend a lot of time on the Internet with less articulate childfree people, I frequently hear about strangers' misbehaving kids. Those voices are always in the back of my head when MY kid is the one misbehaving. Even when I'm at home.

"What would people think of me if they saw my kid acting this way?" "What ARE people thinking of me because my kid is tantruming in a store?" "Kids should mind their elders, by god!" and so on. I have a constant, niggling voice that I just cannot silence with rationality.

I was raised to believe these things, too. Kids should shut up and do what they're told. Don't ask questions. If an adult hollers your name across the house, "Don't say 'what?' come running!" Respect for adults/elders/authority is ingrained in me more deeply than just about any other value, to such a degree that I'm not even sure I should want it out. I feel like my kids SHOULD respect their elders. But I also feel like I need to respect my children as human beings.

And that means meeting them where they are. That means understanding that my son has a neurological impairment that causes him to function emotionally like a 3 year old, causes him to cope with difficulties like a 2-year-old. But when I'm looking at a 7-year-old who thinks like a 12-year-old and talk like a 40-year-old, I struggle to reconcile it all in my head. He's a smart kid, shouldn't he be able to figure this out logically? Should he be able to remember the things I've tried to teach him? Maybe. Probably not?

But what I KNOW sitting here typing this entry, and what I can remember and DO when I'm upset because I'm being ignored yet again, because there's yet another fit of whining or public tantrum, are two different things. Maybe I'M the one with the lack of coping skills.

Book Review - Pathfinder by Orson Scott Card

2011-11-19T14:43:00.001-08:00

Pathfinder by Orson Scott Card
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

As seems typical of Card (at least lately), this book is almost more fantasy than science fiction, at least in the beginning. As the story progresses, we see more and more of the sci-fi aspect and the fantasy elements take on a different perspective.

I have yet to "pick up" a Card "book" that I wasn't immediately engaged in, which didn't keep me cleaning my house long after my feet were sore (I only listen to audio versions, and I listen only while cleaning - keeps me motivated). Pathfinder was no different. Rigg's gift, his relationship with his father, and their relationship to the land drew me in quickly, and I was eager to see where it all led.

As the story progressed, new characters were added with rapidity, yet enough was told about each to allow you to connect with them. Never did I feel I learned too much about a character, nor that Card shouldn't have bothered with one at all for what little they added to the story.

By the time the book ends, you care about every one of the characters, and if you've been paying close attention, you have figured out where it's all going. Still it is a relief to actually get there, to hear what resolution there is, and then to read the Acknowledgement section and find out that yes, you did understand it correctly after all.

I'm looking forward to the next book, and hearing what the remaining characters do with their discoveries.

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Book Review - Theodora: Actress, Empress, Whore by Stella Duffy

2011-11-03T08:51:00.001-07:00

Theodora: Actress, Empress, Whore by Stella Duffy
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

An engaging piece of historical fiction, Theodora: Actress, Empress, Whore took about 50 pages to get going. But once I crested that hill, I kept coming back for more.

Theodora's mother never wanted her to enter the entertainment world, but after her father was brutally murdered, there was little choice if the family was to survive. And like her mother Hypatia, Theodora is nothing if not a survivor. Her talent for dance is only average, but her penchant for comedy launches Theodora into a spotlight career that takes her from brother back rooms to faraway lands, on a religious pilgrimage, and home again to become the Empress of the entire Byzantine Empire.

Duffy's fictional tale, which undoubtedly takes many liberties with the deeper aspects of Theodora's life, touches on many aspects of the sixth century, from politics to religion (which were deeply intertwined), and the acceptable roles of women.

Though Theodora's exploits fascinated me (I loved the bit where she takes up spinning - I myself have started recently to spin!), I was particularly touched by Duffy's commentary on the nature of relationships, from family and friends to God and spouse. These are skillfully woven and absolutely believable - not least because they touch a chord of recognition in me at some of my own experiences.

At 300+ pages, Theodora is definitely worth every minute.

This is a compensated review for the BlogHer book club, but the opinions expressed are solely my own.

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Book Review - The Orchard, A Memoir by Theresa Weir

2011-09-09T15:54:00.000-07:00

The Orchard: A Memoir by Theresa Weir

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I requested this book for review with a number of YA books, and so when it came to me, I began reading it expecting that genre. It's not.

The Orchard is (as the title suggests) a memoir, telling the story of a country girl with a rough past building an unlikely life. It reads like a novel, which is in its favor, though I wondered sometimes how fictionalized a variety of scenes may have been. I guess that's probably true of any memoir. You have to flesh out the skeleton of memory to make it more interesting.

I found The Orchard to be mildly interesting, but not particularly compelling. It starts slow, but does build steam and eventually come to the point where you want to know what is going to happen, whether the protagonists will break away from the prison of sorts that has been fashioned for them.

The thing about this book is that I feel like I should have enjoyed it more than I did. I really relate to the protagonist in many ways, and yet I felt detached from her (I don't think she ever mentions her own name in this book, not even in dialogue). Her decisions often made little sense to me, and I found myself often rolling my eyes or saying, "I told you so."

I don't feel as though I wasted the hours of my life I spent reading this book, but it wasn't anything particularly special, either.

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Brain Tests

2011-09-02T06:02:00.000-07:00

If you've read about Quentin here, you know he's a different sort of kid.

He's ridiculously smart, talkative, and engaging. He's also fairly socially inept, extremely sensitive both physically and emotionally, and has some odd speech patterns.

This has finally become enough of an issue that we decided to have him evaluated by a psychologist and a neurologist. After initial consultations, the psychologist agreed that a comprehensive eval is a good idea, and the neurologist wants to run an EEG and MRI to rule out physical defects. If the physical defects are ruled out, he says he will step out of the picture and that we've got a good plan so far.

So in two weeks, my baby's going to get hooked up to a variety of brain testing machinery. I think the EEG will actually be pretty cool (minus the sleep-depravation that's required beforehand), low on the stress-scale. The MRI makes me a little nervous just because he has to have an IV and be under sedation. I hate IVs, and I'm sure he won't be very thrilled about it either. In the end, though, I think he will be fascinated to have pictures of his brain!

I'm hoping both of these tests come back relatively normal and we can proceed with whatever therapies the psychologist recommends (speech, occupational, social groups, etc) to help him better adapt.

I don't want to change who my son is. I don't want to give him drugs and make him compliant and "normal." I do want him to have the opportunity to relate to other kids and make friends as he so desires, to communicate effectively, and to do whatever is in his heart to do. I want to give him the tools to be successful in whatever way he wants to be.

First step is an EEG, on the 14th, and the MRI is on the 16th. Hold your breath with me.

Book Review - The Kid by Sapphire

2011-08-12T09:04:00.000-07:00

The Kid by Sapphire

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

It is rare for me not to finish a book. Even when reading books I don't like, I will usually push through just to find out what happens and say I've read it. But if I hadn't been obligated to finish this book, I'd have put Sapphire's The Kid down after 50 pages and never looked back.

Read the rest of my review and find out why at the BlogHer Book Club.

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Book Review - The Death of Joan of Arc by Michael Scott

2011-08-11T16:20:00.001-07:00

The Death of Joan of Arc by Michael Scott

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This quick and dirty short story fills in one of the more intriguing gaps from The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel. It tells the story of how Scáthach, The Shadow, saves her dear friend Joan of Arc from death by pyre (though everyone thinks she was truly burned at the stake. It's short and sweet, a little morsel to tide you over until the final book in the series is released.

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Book Review - Ashes, by Ilsa J. Bick

2011-08-09T19:33:00.000-07:00

Ashes by Ilsa J. Bick

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Alex is a seventeen-year-old girl with enough problems - dead parents, an inoperable brain tumor, and few happy memories - that the end of the world might well seem like welcome respite. But after the EMP leaves the world without electricity and electronic devices, leaves Alex stranded on a fictional Michigan mountain with winter just around the corner, she finds herself fighting to live (along with her survival mates and makeshift family) after all.

I really enjoyed this book, pushed through its 450+ pages in about a week, with a busy family event taking up my weekend. The nature of the dystopia - a warfare-based EMP pulse causing technological and nuclear meltdown, the death of an entire generation and a terrifying Change in another - seemed plausible enough to give me the creepy-crawlies. Alex and her fellow survivors all seemed very real to me, their personalities broad and complex, not overly simplified and stereotypical as so often happens in young adult fiction.

Ashes (both a title and a theme which is mentioned *almost* too many times in the first hundred or so pages), is already split into three sections, but it could almost be two separate books. There is a major shift about halfway through and the plot changes so drastically that I can't even really discuss it without giving away the first half. I will say that there seems to be some sort of deeper plan in that second half that evaded me. I'm hoping it's made clear in the second book of the trilogy.

I'm actually a little disappointed that I came across this book before its publication, because that means I'll be waiting even longer for the next one to be released. The cliffhanger ending of Ashes definitely has me already eager for Shadows. Well, maybe I'll get access to that one early, too.

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Book Review - Throne of Fire by Rick Riordan

2011-07-30T14:05:00.000-07:00

Throne of Fire by Rick Riordan

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This series is just so much fun. Tons of great info about Egyptology, treatment of minor gods and goddesses along with the major ones, and strong male and female lead characters who work best in cooperation with each other. Having just read the first 39 clues book (also a brother-sister duo), I found this to be far more engaging and well-written. I'm definitely looking forward to the conclusion of this series!

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Postpartum Shred Day ???

2011-07-02T08:39:00.000-07:00

6 weeks 5 days

Well that didn't take long.

I do so suck at self-motivation, and the pain that is left in the wake of the first two days of the Shred is no help. Friday, after two days of Shredding, I could barely move. Sitting down and standing up brought tears to my eyes because HOLY COW my quadriceps! And hamstrings. My chest, in addition to the pain of engorgement from lactating, had pain in my pecs, and other random muscles I didn't know existed there.

I actually forgot about working out until I'd been up for half an hour, and when I remembered, my face fell in comic fashion. I thought I'd do it "later" but of course, we know that doesn't happen.

I woke this morning knowing that I should do it now, catch up, give myself that rest day yesterday and jump back on the horse. But I was so hungry. So I ate breakfast and now, here I stand, knowing I'll puke if I work out now, also knowing that if I don't do it now, it's not going to get done and the pattern will continue.

I really don't know how to motivate myself. I'd planned on a nice little treat (manicure) at day 10, but I couldn't even make it to day 3. I thought maybe the accountability of blogging would help, but since no one really reads, let alone comments or cheers me on or pressures me, it didn't do much good. I was in an online group last time and while I made it further, I still barely made 10 days. I know that someone to actually work out with would help but I don't have that option.

Maybe I just need to take it more slowly? Give myself a chance to get acclimated to working out before I completely destroy myself and hurt so bad I never want to look at an exercise program again? I can't even make myself take a daily walk with kids in tow. I am made of sloth!

I've got Tae Bo coming in the mail. Even if I don't do it on a regimented schedule, it's FUN, and even doing it once a week is better than nothing, so here's hoping.

Postpartum Shred Day 2

2011-06-30T07:41:00.000-07:00

6 weeks 3 days

I don't even feel like puking today. My body is TIRED though.

Yesterday, I felt ok for most of the day after shredding in the morning. But by evening, I was whining about being sore. Sitting down and standing up used all the wrong (right) muscles in my legs and BOY HOWDY. This morning I had to literally ROLL out of bed because my legs wouldn't cooperate.

But still, after my morning pump and before breakfast; after making breakfast for the kids and filling my Klean Kanteen; after putting on my workout clothes and rearranging the living room, I did it again. Some of it was easier (the cardio), some was much harder (pushups made me cry and my arms scream). I can't wait until the day I can do ONE pushup again. I can't even get all the way to the floor with girly pushups.

Now, after my shower and breakfast, I am not nauseous, my muscles aren't screaming (until I try to move), but I can feel how tired they are. They're warm and tingly and almost a little shaky, even when I'm not asking anything of them. Toughen up, muscles! You've still got 28 days of this crap!

Something I began to remember as I was jumping around was that doing this workout before left my ankles really sore after a few days. Does anyone have suggestions on what I might be doing wrong and/or how to avoid this problem? It really slows me down when the jumping jacks and jumprope moves hurt in a pain kind of way instead of a burn kind of way.

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Daily Gratitudes:
~ Friends! We're heading to the splash pad at a nearby park in an hour or so to play with our friends. It's good to like people and then see them regularly.

~ Another friend of mine had a baby yesterday (this morning? Somewhere around midnight) after a long and tiring pregnancy and a long and drawn out induction. I'm so happy for her! And for her fiancee, too, of course.

~ Waking up to a clean kitchen. I keep our home fairly presentable, but the kitchen (also the entrance to our house) is a constant battle. I'm glad to say that this morning, we're winning.

~ Fresh produce. Thursday is CSA day and I love getting my box of goodies! I also have an organic fruit delivery coming today. There's just nothing like fresh summer fruit.

Postpartum Shred Day 1

2011-06-29T06:20:00.000-07:00

6 weeks 2 days

About two years ago, I did Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. Or, I should say I started the Shred. I actually petered out around day 10.

I have a tendency to do that with workouts, even when I have accountability like I did with the Shredheads, but it doesn't stop me from starting. I tried to get Luke to join me on this particular foray into consistent working out but he doesn't think he can do a choreographed workout. I think he underestimates himself, but whatever. I'll do it myself! My dvd disappeared in our move, but check it out, you can buy the individual levels (the dvd comes with 3 difficulty levels), so if you're stuck on one for the entire 30 days (or quit after 10, ahem), you only spent $2 on it!

I'm hoping that my already established routine, which requires waking early whether I like it or not, will help. Getting out of bed was always the hardest part of morning workouts for me. I LOVE the way I feel after one, but somehow could never bottle that feeling to convince myself on tough mornings. Now I have to get up between 5 and 6 every day anyway or my boobs explode. (What? This is a mommyblog, you know.)

So today I woke up at 5:30, pumped, and then Shredded. It was as hard as I remember, but not harder. Considering I'm 6 weeks postpartum, after a completely lazy pregnancy, I'm happy with this starting point. That doesn't mean I don't still feel like vomiting, an hour and a shower later.

I'm not going to restrict my calories or journal my food. I tend to become obsessive when I do those things, and I don't want to risk my milk supply. I am planning to take a picture of everything I shove in my pie-hole just for reference's sake, but I'm not going to stress about it. The workout is the important thing, for now.

I'm also not going to weigh myself. I get so frustrated at seeing no changes with even a 10 lb loss because I'm so overweight to begin with. So I'm going to take pictures in my workout gear and hope to see some change by the end of July. I'd like to have done 30 days of Shredding by the first weekend in August. We have a lot going on in July, including two weekends away from home, and while I know I COULD Shred at my in-laws' house, I probably won't. (Maybe if Luke were working out with me...) (Yes, he is reading this) (hint, hint, Luke!) (I like parentheses) So I'll throw in an extra 10 days for the two or three at a time I'll be missing through the month. I'll still be active while we're away (we're planning a trip to Michigan's Adventure!), so if I can work out using the dvd 30 days out of 40, I'll be happy.

Anyone else out there trying to get themselves up and moving and into a routine?

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Daily Gratitudes:
~ I'm grateful again today for my smooth labor and delivery experience this time around. I have never felt like even TRYING to work out at this point before. I'm sure not having to wake up all night with a newborn helps, too.

~ My son is an amazing person. I'm sure his brother will be, too. I'm still riding high on that reminder. If you haven't read that post yet, you really should.

~ I got a hair cut! I'm not sure how much I like it yet, but my bangs are back, and I've missed them.

~ I almost feel like pressing "pause" on our life right now. We have made our no-strings-attached house (we rent) into a home. We have real furniture. I keep things presentable enough that 80% of the time wouldn't be afraid to have unexpected guests show up. There's yard with a fence, a swingset, a sprinkler. The neighbors are friendly and helpful, and we've become familiar with our neighborhood. Our kids are capable of some level of self-management, they go to sleep fairly easily, and we get a little time to ourselves now and again. We're not broke for probably the first time in our adult lives, and actually have a (very) little savings from week to week. The weather is mild (though CRAZY) and I'm in love with my husband. Life really could not be better (ok, maybe if Jude was potty trained, but I'm not going to push my luck). I am content.

Like a little child

2011-06-27T15:27:00.000-07:00

One of our many parenting struggles is allowance. I know, I know, it's such a first-world problem, but we DO worry about whether it's a good idea to pay Quentin for existing (some kids get allowance no matter what), or for contributing to the household (we expect him to do that as a member of our family), the difference between "regular" and "extra" chores, etc. But we also think it's good for him to learn money management, that things don't just appear, that we have to sacrifice some things we want to get other things.

We also struggle with keeping track of how many days he's done his chores, and just plain remembering to give the money to him.

We're a week behind on his payment right now, so I was really excited when I remembered after my 7 a.m. grocery shopping trip, to take some cash out for his allowance. I also bought a weekly planner for him while I was out, so he can put stickers on the days he's done his chores (and practiced piano, hence the mobile calendar rather than a wall calendar - he can take this to lessons to show his teacher).

But when I got home, I didn't have any allowance for him. I showed him the calendar, showed him where his stickers would go, and told him he'd get a dollar for every day there was a sticker.

"And I actually remembered to get your allowance for you this morning, but I don't have it now. I gave it away."

His sweet face fell. But then I explained.

"On the way home, I saw a man standing on the corner. He had a sign he had written so we knew why he was there. It said that he was trying to get home to his family and anything anyone could give him would help. So I gave him your money, because it was the only cash that I had."

(I should mention that I had every intention of going to the bank and taking out more cash for him later, but I didn't tell him that just yet)

He bucked up a little. "So even a rock could help?" He picked up a handful of pebbles from our driveway.

"No, buddy, he meant that any money, even one dollar, could help him get home."

"Oh. Where is his home?"

"Utah," I said.

"Oh, so you talked to him?"

"Yep, I asked him where he was headed and that's what he told me. I don't remember what town he said, but he's headed to Utah. It's pretty far away!"

"Mama... I think we should go back and find him again and give him the rest of my allowance from my piggy bank."

And then I died happy, because I guess we're doing something right after all.

--------------------------------------------
Daily Gratitudes
~ We have enough money that I can give $10 to a guy on the corner with a handmade sign and not feel the least bit sorry.

~ I see my children every day, kiss them every night, and have the resources to go home to visit the rest of my family regularly.

~ We had dinner this weekend with Ryan, Dave, and Danika. It was so nice to sit down and catch up with them. I can't believe how big she's gotten!

~ We saw Tim Minchin last weekend! Have I mentioned that yet? It was so much fun. As it turns out, my cousin's fiancee is awesome and we're totally buds now. She and her (also awesome) friend came to our house, rode into the city with us, and crashed on our floor. We went out for breakfast in the morning, kids and all, and it was just a really fun time.

~ We have a back yard! With a swingset! A sprinkler! Half a fence! This place is really starting to feel like home.

Book Review - What Happened to Goodbye

2011-06-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

"What Happened To Goodbye" showed up in my mailbox during my second week of recovery from giving birth to a surrogate baby, and was a welcome distraction from the loud call of my messy house. Sarah Dessen's world pulled me in, and encouraged me to sit down and take it easy during my postpartum period with seventeen-year-old Mclean Sweet and her friends.

Two years ago, Mclean left town with her father... Click here to read the rest of my review at BlogHer

HELP me adjust our lives to adjust his attitude

2011-06-20T10:52:00.000-07:00

I need help.

My 6-year-old is out of control. I very rarely enjoy his company for more than a few minutes lately. He's got major attitude, he is super-sensitive, he loses his ~~shit~~ temper incredibly easy. One poke from his brother and he's screaming. One "no" and he's whining. One explanation and his clapping his hands over his ears yelling, "NO, Mom, I don't want to hear it!"

I have a lot of ideas about what could be the cause of this behavior. Sensory and developmental irregularities. Sugar. Other food issues. Screen time. Lack of stimulation. Overstimulation. But I don't really know what to do. I am overwhelmed at the possibilities.

I'm going to try to set firm screen time limits, because I do notice that the more he is using the computer (which also serves as our television), the harder it is for him to walk away and find something else to do, even when prompted.

And I think we need to do something about his diet. We had really done well at getting a lot of the crap out of our diets before I got pregnant. We'd cut down on grains and refined sugars, increased our protein intake, and just learned to generally eat less crap. But as I lost the motivation and energy to put for the massive effort of that way of eating with two small children, we lost the track. And haven't been able to get it back.

I am not sure where to start with the kids, because they (Quentin especially) are so picky. I don't remember how I did it before. I want to get rid of the refined sugar in our diets especially.

Breakfast: Granola and milk, bagel and cream cheese, fried egg on toast. Sometimes he'll eat sausage but only with maple syrup.

Lunch: Egg and toast (if he didn't have that for breakfast), egg salad sandwich, peanut butter and jelly, quesadilla, sometimes macaroni and cheese. Sometimes a fruit or vegetable with lunch if I can get him to eat it. Usually not.

Dinner: Meat and vegetable, usually. Sometimes tacos or homemade pizza. This is by far the easiest meal to keep well-rounded, healthy, and pleasing to everyone. Bigger batches would probably help, and leftovers for lunch.

Snacks: granola, cheese, fruit, yogurt. They don't eat a lot of snacks.

We've gotten into a Starbucks habit, which we need to break. Several times a week, they're having half a tall frappuccino (mocha coconut cremes are the rage right now), and usually some sort of small sweet treat at the same time (mini scones, birthday cake pops, etc). They beg for ice cream and candy (especially after the memorial day parade - and we left most of the candy at Grammy & Grampy's house!).

I'm just not sure where to begin. Do we gradually wean off of it? Do we try to go cold turkey? What are good ideas for quick and easy lunches (preferably that travel well, since we like play dates and spray parks)?

I'm just really at my wit's end with this child, who I know can be beautiful, loving, bright, and wonderful, but who most of the time these days, I really want to lock in a closet under the stairs (we don't have stairs).

------------------------------------
Daily Gratitudes:
~ 1000 oz of milk made in 34 days. Amazing!
~ Those few quiet moments when the boys actually play together nicely.
~ Looking forward to going back to church when services start back up in the fall. We're going to have official name tags (instead of the guest stickers we've been wearing)!
~ TIM MINCHIN! We saw him on Friday night and it was amazing, he was amazing. He was sweet and thoughtful and took the time to chat with his fans like we were all just people. So much fun.
~ My soon-to-be-cousin-in-law and now FRIEND came to the show with us. She and a friend of hers slept on our floor. We got along so well, pretty much instantaneously, and it's awesome. I am really excited to have her become a member of my family.

Keeping Up

2011-06-16T13:24:00.000-07:00

I think one of the reasons I am horrible at keeping up with this blog is because I feel the need to sound more like those other bloggers. I need to write something meaningful and poignant and sound good doing it. But then I realize it's been a month and a half since I wrote anything, so can I just cut the crap and chronicle my life and/or thoughts for posterity?

----------
I've been perusing minimalist blogs today, wistfully reading stories of families who've downsized their lives, hopped in an RV, and traveled the country, among other things. Their stories talk about the discontent they found trying to keep up with the Joneses and ask a common question: "What's enough?"

I say I was reading wistfully because I couldn't help but think that I should be doing that, too. That maybe we'd be happier with less stuff, with more opportunity to live a nomadic lifestyle. I found myself a little sad that this is something we're unlikely to accomplish in the near future because saving up a year's wages would take an ungodly amount of time and neither of us has a nomad-friendly job or trade.

Are you seeing the irony here?

I eventually slapped myself upside the virtual head with a reminder that I am happy. Right here and now, in this slightly-messy house on a busy suburban street with an almost-fenced yard and a soon-to-be playhouse in the back. Right here and now with a husband who works no more than forty hours in a week and is home every night to eat dinner with his family and tuck his children into bed. Right here and now where I've found my tribe and begun to put down roots, where my children poke at each other and fail to play with their toys.

I don't need to keep up with the Joneses who are ridding themselves of everything to stop trying to keep up with the Joneses. I can just live my life right here and now.

Because life is good.

-----------------------
Daily Gratitudes
♥ Danika is one month old today, and last night I met my goal of pumping 40 oz in one day. This is, on average, double her intake needs and if I can keep it up, she'll be able to consume nothing but breastmilk for double the amount of time I am able to pump for her.

♥ Her daddies send me pictures and videos every couple of days, and chat with me at least once a week during milk pickup to tell me how parenthood is going, how she's growing, etc. It's so amazing to have the opportunity to SEE what I've done, what happiness my short 9 (ok, kind of more like 18) months created.

♥ "Mom-friends" who are actually more like just "friends." There is nothing like coffee night conversations about everything from potty training to road trips to milk-making to tattoos. Some Mom's Nights make kid-topics taboo. But it's awesome to be able to talk about my kids (because they're part of my life) AND other things, without feeling awkward or guilty about any of the topics. (ok, maybe THAT ONE topic was a little awkward...)

♥ Paying off debts and NOT living paycheck-to-paycheck. We've got three credit cards paid off now (and yes, a few more to go), and we've got money in our savings account. If some minor disaster struck tomorrow, we would not have to beg my in-laws for a loan or put off our bills. We could handle it, and that ability to breathe is awesome.

♥ Feeling content. Maybe gratitude is a silly daily gratitude, but the ability to look at my life and not only see and list off the good things but really FEEL them inside is priceless. ♥

Adjusting

2011-05-25T06:17:00.000-07:00

...my 3-year-old has decided now is a good time to amplify EVERY HORRIBLE BEHAVIOR in his repertoire. He doesn't listen. He whines. He throws things. He screams. He hits me. He doesn't cooperate. He makes messes and refuses to clean them up. He's ~~the evil spawn of satan~~ like a different child.

That's an excerpt from this blog, three and a half years ago, and it actually makes me feel better. I'm gratified to know/recall that the behaviors Jude has been exhibiting this week are pretty normal for a three year old who is suddenly experiencing the freedom (or disappointing lack of attention) of a mother unable to get up and chase him around.

If you've been living under a rock, you might not have heard that I gave birth last Monday. Since I got home from the hospital, I've been pumping breastmilk for my SurroPrincess, which means that every 2-3 hours, I'm pretty much stuck, and Jude barges in to my room, climbs on my bed JUST out of my reach (have I mentioned we also don't have a couch yet? So bed is my pumping space), and jumps. He is oblivious to all pleas and threats, and when I finally yell, he puts on the pout long enough to make me feel bad before going back to monstering about.

He'll adjust. After a few weeks, I'll be able to cut my pumping down without sacrificing my supply, we'll be able to get out and about more easily again, and things will go back to some semblance of normality. As though this family is ever anything approaching normal. :)

Quentin has been a complete champ. It's obvious to me that he's a little thrown by the sudden change in our lives as well, but he's coping really well for a 6-year-old, and he's done an amazing job of helping to contain the Jude when I can't. I'm quite proud of him, actually.

As for me, I bounced back emotionally with surprising rapidity. The last month or two of my pregnancy was really hard on me with all of the finger-poking and food-monitoring and just general discomfort. About a week before my induction, I warned Luke to remember that I wouldn't be magically not-crazy as soon as I popped out that baby, that my hormones would still be whacky for a few weeks. He assured me that he remembered and that he would continue to take good care of me (like there was any doubt!). But as it turns out, I pretty much DID become magically not-crazy as soon as I popped out the baby. I rode high on the euphoria of a natural birth and the creation of an amazing family for a couple of days, got the hormonal benefits of nursing while I was in the hospital, and came home to a sparkling clean kitchen (have I mentioned that my husband is AMAZING?).

Since then, I've been moseying my way back to a pretty balanced emotional state. I get frustrated when the aches and pains of having given birth slow me down more than I would like, but honestly, I feel like I'm handling life pretty darned well. I'm sure it helps that, even though pumping is sleep-depriving and demanding, it's nothing compared to the demands of being the primary care provider of a newborn. I'm getting at least one block of 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep most nights, and that's pretty amazing.

I'm really looking forward to summer this year, despite my inevitable whininess about the 80º+ weather. Luke has two weeks of vacation, and I have visions of camping, pool parties, and bbqs dancing in my head.

Book Review - Dead Reckoning by Charlaine Harris

2011-05-10T16:39:00.000-07:00

Dead Reckoning by Charlaine Harris

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This book was definitely my least favorite of the series so far. I read Sookie because it's fluff - entertaining, enjoyable, quick, light. This book was not particularly light or enjoyable, though I did go through it quickly. I admit to being disappointed in the lack of sexual tension (and, well, sex) I enjoyed through the other books. This installment was, overall, just very bland.

View all my reviews

The Evolution of Wonder

2011-04-19T14:26:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it here, but last summer, my essay for English 1101 (composition I) was selected by my professor to be nominated for publication in my college's cross-curricular academic writing anthology. I was informed a few months ago that it was selected for publication (the nominations go up before a panel of judges and only about 35 essays make it into the final product). From 28,000 students, 35 were published and I was one. I'll admit, I think it's pretty fantastic.

AND, it was a lot of work. Our assignment was an autobiographical essay, and it took me many drafts, a searching, sifting inventory of my life to find something that not only appealed to a wide audience, but also that helped ME learn something about myself. Autobiography, my professor insisted, is not worth it if you don't have a personal revelation. This revelation was about my childhood faith, and how it ultimately helped to inspire me to study astrophysics.

Last week, Luke and I attended a small reception ceremony celebrating the newly published authors (me!) and the publication of the work, Essai Volume VIII. It was a fun little mini night out (3 whole hours!), and even though I wasn't prepared when they asked us to stand up and say something about our work (I may have had a mini panic attack), I enjoyed being recognized for my efforts. Do you know, I'm finding it really hard to be confident in my abilities and proud of my accomplishments without sounding like a braggart. Sorry.

I'm not sure about re-posting it, due to copyrights and so forth, but if you're interested in reading the finished product, you can find it in pdf at the College of DuPage digital commons, here. It's about three pages long. Let me know what you think. :)

My favorite well-turned phrase from the essay:
"Despite the efforts of my church to maintain my ignorance of the world “out there,” I had
begun to experience more of it, and the smallness of my religious dogma left me claustrophobic."

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Daily Gratitudes:
* The Princess is growing perfectly, estimated at about 6 lbs currently, with well-developed lungs.
* My in-laws came to visit this weekend and helped Luke install posts for our fence! Hopefully it'll be finished up soon.
* When they left, they took my kids for a few days. The peace is enchanting, even if I can't get up the willpower to do anything more than sit back and enjoy it.
* Watching a movie, at night, at home, with no interruptions and the freedom to laugh as loudly as I wanted without fear of waking anyone up. (PS, The Other Guys is pretty funny, for a silly movie)
* Rain is good for plants??

Spring, Ostara, Blessings

2011-04-15T06:43:00.000-07:00

People sometimes do and sometimes don't recognize the anniversary of their children's baptism/christening/whatever. We don't do anything official to mark the passing of years since Quentin was officially welcomed into our family, but this time of year always reminds me. I'm glad we did this, even though I would certainly do it a bit differently today. It was a really important marker of a dramatic change in my little family, and in our extended family (Q is the first grandchild). I think it's worthwhile to remember the blessings we wished upon Quentin, the promises we made when we welcomed him to this family, and the loveliness of new beginnings, new life, and new hope. The text of the ceremony is after the jump, if you'd like to read it.

INTRODUCTION
Moira: The wheel of the year, with its ever-changing seasons, was the basis for ancient holidays. The Spring Equinox, often known as Ostara, is one of the most important of these. It is a celebration of birth and new life. At the equinox, the light and dark of the days and nights are equal. Nature itself is in balance, and the world stands on the threshold of Summer, of a new beginning. The egg and the rabbit are symbols of this holiday. The legend is that a white rabbit fell in love with Eostre, (ayOHstra) the Goddess of Spring, and to demonstrate his love, he laid colored eggs every day. The rabbit symbolizes innocence and continuing fertility, and the egg symbolizes birth and rebirth.
For its associations with new life, Mandie and Luke have chosen this sacred holiday to officially welcome their child into the world, and introduce him to the universe.

INVOCATION
Mandie: Great Goddess Artemis, protector of the young. We ask that you attend this rite, and welcome this child to the moonlit earth.
Great God Apollo, golden brother, god of heroes and poets, We ask that you attend this rite, and welcome this child to the sunlit earth.
Dear Mothers, Fathers, Siblings and Friends, role models for these new parents, we ask that you attend this rite and welcome this child into our family.

NAMING/WELCOMING
Moira: Who is this new traveler?
Parents: Quentin Anthony McGlynn
Moira: We bid thee welcome, Quentin.
All: Welcome!

DEDICATION
Luke: There are many spiritual paths, and each must find his own. We do not seek to bind Quentin to any one path while he is so young, but we pledge to teach him our beliefs and practices, and to respect those of others, until such time that he is old enough to find his own way. We ask his family, who follow many different paths, and the Divine, to which all paths lead, to bless, protect, and help prepare him through the years of childhood so that when at last he is truly grown, he shall know without doubt or fear which path is his.
Moira to the Baby: Quentin, I dedicate you to a life of peace and love!
She places a hand on the baby's head and blesses the child, Bless this child who is love itself. Bless him, protect him, and give him a joyful life.
Mandie: Lord Apollo, guide Quentin in the ways of kindness and courage. Let him be valiant and wise, as you are. Give to him your talents and appreciation for poetry, art and music. Warm him through the long days of learning ahead.
Lady Artemis, protect Quentin with your vigilance, let him breathe in your fresh air of the forest. Let him be strong, free and independent as you are. Guide his hunt for his own path. Protect him through the darkest of nights, and help him ponder the infinity of the starry sky.
Dear family, love Quentin unconditionally, as you have loved us. Help him to be kind and forgiving, as you are. Help him embrace diversity in all aspects of his life. Be near him as he faces the trials of growing up.
Moira, to the parents: "I charge you both in the name of the creator to lead this child with love through the highways and byways of life. Teach him to harm none; to honor and respect life. Teach him of this life, of the before and the after. Tell the tales of the gods and the history of the earth. Teach him to strive for the perfection of self that all desire, and to honor all of the paths to the divine."
Parents: "all this we shall do."

BLESSING
Moira, to Quinn: "Quentin, Blessed Be each breath you take. May your breathing be deep and relaxed. May you breathe in power with every breath.
Blessed Be the fire inside you, Quentin, may it burn strong.
Blessed Be the waters of your life.
May your will be unbroken, and may it be as strong as fire, and as supple as water.
May your passions burn truly and free. May your blood be strong.
May you be joyful and fertile.
Quentin, Blessed Be the earth of your body. May your muscles be strong and fearless. May your heart beat with love, soul, vigor and courage. Blessed Be your body, which is the body of the divine.
Blessed Be your spirit, Quentin, May you always have health in spirit. May you be whole. Blessed Be your spirit.
Quentin, May you always have community. May you be prosperous in all ways. May you love and be loved. May your voice -- both your complaints and your special offerings to the world -- be truly heard. May the warmth of family & community always surround you. May you know the innate goodness of your being. Blessed Be.

MENTOR CEREMONY
Mike and Irene step forward
Mandie: I know that Quentin will become what he sees. The greatest gift we can give him is the presence of a loving and supportive network of friends and family. Let us pledge together to be what we wish for him.
Luke: We have asked Quentin's aunt and uncle, Mike and Irene, to accept the honor and responsibility of caring about and guiding him through life as his godparents, his mentors.
Mandie: Mike and Irene, will you participate in the upbringing of this child, Quentin? Will you be there to listen to him, and help and advise us for his welfare if necessary?
(M&I answer) We Will
Luke: Will you love and guide Quentin?
We will
Mandie: Will you respect and protect him?
We will
Luke: Will you discover him and teach him?
We will
Mandie: Will you lead him and follow him?
We will
Luke: Mike and Irene, thank you for pledging your love and attention to Quentin. We ask you to give Quentin the best of yourself. May you be strong, peaceful, flexible, patient, forgiving, faithful, dependable, and wise.

What the child sees, the child does. What the child does, the child is. ~Irish Proverb.

CLOSING
Conni: In the name of Quentin, we promise to search for what is true in every situation. In the name of Quentin, we promise to tell the truth, speak kindly, and act wisely.
Joe: In the name of Quentin, we promise to consciously choose positive thoughts and actions. In the name of Quentin, we promise to encourage positive thinking and effort.
Edna: In the name of Quentin, we promise to treat others and ourselves with kindness.
Ken: In the name of Quentin, we promise to create supportive communities.
Luke: We invoke these promises and hope that truth will teach us a better way.

Mandie: Dear family, we invited you to celebrate not only this great occasion, but also the important roles you have played in our lives. We thank you for your presence along the way: for your strong hands and unconditional love, for your encouragement when we stumbled. Because of your guidance, we will be wiser and more loving parents, leading our son into his promising future.

FAREWELL PRAYER
Moira: We rejoice and give thanks for the gift of new life we received today. May our sweet baby receive in his days blessings of love, wisdom, health, and abundance. May he give back richly to each of us and bring us together again soon in celebration.

DINNER TOAST
Mandie: I am a parent now. I will create my family with devotion, commitment, and great love. I toast Luke and thank you for helping me bring forth new life. I toast Quentin and thank you for making us a family.
Luke: This bread represents the abundance of the table and is a symbol of gratitude and reciprocity. May Quentin always enjoy the pleasures of sharing a meal with loved ones.

The bread is passed around the table and everyone breaks off a piece to eat.

BLESSING
Joe : Let us be silent and mindful of all we are blessed with and for which we give thanks: family and friends, hope and health, happy memories and the food on this table. Moment of silence
So, in giving thanks, we are blessed.

Weekend Wish List

2011-04-10T17:47:00.000-07:00

(all the fun pictures are at the end of the post)

We've got it pretty good. We now rent a house with an actual yard (which we took full advantage of during today's 80+º heatwave), we have a newer car (under warranty and all), a couple of computers, smartphones, more STUFF than we really even need. But still, as they say, the more you have, the more you want. Most of the things I wish for right now are to make what we have just that much more enjoyable.

A fence - we live on a major road, and though J is getting good at staying where he ought to be, it still makes me pretty nervous not to have the yard enclosed. Luke's folks are coming to help us put one up next weekend if our building permit gets approved, though, so this one is almost crossed off!
Patio Furniture - a table, a few comfy chairs, somewhere to relax outdoors with friends or family, and maybe have a meal or two.
A grill - we grabbed one off the neighbor's curb the other day, and Luke's hoping it just needs a good cleaning, a regulator, and a propane tank. This would be awesome.
An above-ground firepit - 'cause what good is a yard without fires and friends?!
A Swingset/playground - our yard is a really decent size, and I'd LOVE for the kids to be able to climb around and swing and invite the neighborhood over to play.
A fuel-efficient, cheap, maintainable second car - we have a second car, but it's failing fast and we don't feel comfortable going too far with the kids in it. Plans are in the works to sell it and buy something else, but it will be a small investment.
Luke wants a motorcycle so badly he can taste it. I want for him to have one, but it really can't be a second car, and doing both is just impractical
A Couch! - yeah, we still don't have one.

Looks like most of this stuff is a function of finally having a yard and kids to play it in. But really, all that said, today was an amazing day, when I felt like I could hardly ask for more. We got up not-too-early, (but not-too-late), visited YET ANOTHER area UU church, and we think we found our spiritual home. We're going to give it a couple more visits, but the initial feelings were all positive. Ironic that we, who live in a city that (I have heard) was once in the Guinness Book of World Records for the most churches per capita, who have 5 UU churches to choose from within a 30-minute radius, have thus far felt most comfortable at a church 30 minutes away. Oh well, you go where you're called. The kids really enjoyed themselves as well.

One of the best "omens," if you will, about this church is that they sang at least 3 songs that were familiar from our beloved Northwest Unitarian Universalist Church, the church home we left behind in Detroit. And one of those was one of my personal favorites, Gather the Spirit. The chorus has been, well, chorusing, through my head all day.

Gather in peace, Gather in thanks
Gather in sympathy now and then.
Gather in hope, compassion and strength.
Gather to celebrate once again.

After church, we stopped for lunch, then came home and laid/played in the yard. I didn't even whinge about the temps being over 80. I just relaxed. No, I didn't do Calculus homework. Maybe tomorrow. The kids are in bed, at their actual bedtime, and hopefully will soon be asleep.

After an emotionally hellish week, today was just what my heart and soul needed - peace, comfort, and joy. I may have material desires, but my needs are more than met my an amazing life. ♥

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Daily Gratitudes

SPRING!!! Spring, spring, SPRING IS HERE!

I love my car. I might love it more if it were a 4-door GTI, but maybe not. I just love it.

I kind of love this view. Home, yard, awesome car. Life is amazing.

We started composting recently. I'm so excited, and it, combined with recycling, has made it so we only have enough garbage to put it out every other week (we pay by the 36-gallon trash can).

Luke and Quentin moving our compost pile

My midwife cut me down to 1x/week appointments for now, as long as everything keeps looking good and normal. WHOOHOO!
5-6 weeks left in this pregnancy. Princess Buttercup (whose real name I will hopefully finally be announcing this week, having known it for a month now) is healthy and well and ready to meet her daddies.

Storm

2011-04-09T13:20:00.000-07:00

Luke and I are going to see British comedian/musician Tim Minchin in June. My tickets came in the mail this past week, and I squealed a little. I discovered Tim thanks to Dale McGowan, probably a year or so ago now, and have LOVED everything of his I've ever seen/heard. I am just GEEKED that he's coming to Chicago. Also geeked that the hubby and I will get a night out alone in the city.

He's got a lot of funny songs, most of them full of religious and/or political commentary, and a wonderful sense of the awe-inspiring beauty in every little bit of the world. One of my favorites, which both pokes at my ego because I used to be this girl he's talking to, and also makes me proud to have come to my rational senses, has recently been turned into an animated short. It's lovely. I've quoted a few of my favorite passages below, but if you're going to watch it, do that first so as not to ruin it. :)

Here's the animated film, and then a version of the beat poem with lyrics only.

“By definition”, I begin
“Alternative Medicine”, I continue
“Has either not been proved to work,
Or been proved not to work.
You know what they call “alternative medicine”
That’s been proved to work?
Medicine.”
-------------------------
I’m becoming aware
That I’m staring,
I’m like a rabbit suddenly trapped
In the blinding headlights of vacuous crap.
---------------------------
"...I think you’ll find
Your faith in Science and Tests
Is just as blind
As the faith of any fundamentalist”

“Hm that’s a good point, let me think for a bit
Oh wait, my mistake, it’s absolute bullshit.
Science adjusts it’s beliefs based on what’s observed
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved.
---------------------------
“Life is full of mysteries, yeah
But there are answers out there
And they won’t be found
By people sitting around
Looking serious
And saying isn’t life mysterious?
----------------------------
Throughout history
Every mystery
EVER solved has turned out to be
Not Magic.

Does the idea that there might be truth
Frighten you?
Does the idea that one afternoon
On Wiki-fucking-pedia might enlighten you
Frighten you?
Does the notion that there may not be a supernatural
So blow your hippy noodle
That you would rather just stand in the fog
Of your inability to Google?

Isn’t this enough?
Just this world?
Just this beautiful, complex
Wonderfully unfathomable world?
How does it so fail to hold our attention
That we have to diminish it with the invention
Of cheap, man-made Myths and Monsters?
If you’re so into Shakespeare
Lend me your ear:
“To gild refined gold, to paint the lily,
To throw perfume on the violet… is just fucking silly”
Or something like that.
--------------------------
And if perchance I have offended
Think but this and all is mended:
We’d as well be 10 minutes back in time,
For all the chance you’ll change your mind.

Book Review - The Usborne Encyclopedia of World History by Jane Bingham (2011 Edition)

2011-04-01T14:20:00.000-07:00

The Usborne Encyclopedia of World History by Jane Bingham

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

See my review on amazon for a complete table of contents.

I love the Usborne series of encyclopedias and other books, and was really excited to add this to our home's repertoire.

While there is not a lot of depth on some areas/topics (Ancient China and Japan, for instance), there is certainly a huge breadth of knowledge. I am excited that there are 100 pages dedicated to prehistory, including the birth of our planet and the beginnings of life. There is a really cool visual timeline of prehistory (kind of a mini Charlie's Playhouse Giant Evolution Timeline: Book & Play Mat, "Time Charts" for ancient, Medieval, and Modern history, and the "past 500 years" section includes mini topical sections on topics such as the cold war; cinema, radio, and tv; Christianity; and computers. The running timeline across the bottom of each page indicates both the era in history and the geographic area being discussed on those pages.

While I'm happy this book approaches prehistory from a scientific standpoint, I'm not thrilled about its handling of religion. It not only uses the outdated dating system of BC/AD (rather than BCE/CE), but it presents Christian mythology as fact while keeping other religions firmly at arm's length when discussing them. The Old Testament of the Bible is referenced as a place to read about the history of the Hebrews, and Jesus is definitively presented as a historical figure. The book suggests reading the Bible's New Testament to learn more about him and his works, which lends that book a certain historical credence it may not deserve. Other religions are not treated with the same hand, but their beliefs are clearly defined as just that - beliefs. It seems that throughout this "history" book, Christianity and its conquests are glorified, while everyone else is a footnote (in the index, Christianity gets 34 entries, Islam gets 3 (though Muslims get 18), Buddhism gets 6, Hindus get 7, and pagans get 4 (all bad)).

This bias is extremely disappointing in such a well-respected series. Luckily, my kids are still young enough to be read to, and I can orally edit and explain as necessary until they're old enough to read it on their own and understand the distinctions.

As for Internet-links, it looks like there aren't actually any links IN the book; rather, each section refers you to the Usborne quick-links web site, where you can search by page number for relevant links. This seems like kind of a pain at first, but if you think about it, it allows Usborne to constantly monitor the links and be sure they are up-to-date and accurate, rather than having in print links which may be expired and/or no longer relevant. They also claim to add new relevant links as they become available.

View all my reviews

One Month

2011-03-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

It's been a month since we moved. I really suck at moving OUT of places, so Luke mostly got the moving out job and I mostly got the moving in job. I like unpacking and organizing and finding places for things, so it worked out ok. I got it done pretty fast, though we still have three smallish boxes in our kitchen and a shload of them in the "sunporch," most of which came out of the garage at our old place and so don't count.

I love it here. I'm frustrated that we moved partly to be nearer our babysitter, who quit suddenly and unexpectedly three days before my final exam. But other than that, it's working out very well. Luke has a longer commute to work, but it's much easier for me to get to and from school quickly, we're still near parks, stores, and everything else we could need, and OMG a house. I pretty much said all this already, but bears repeating.

We're installing the fence in three weeks (and by "we," I mostly mean Luke and his parents), and then it will be easy easy easy to throw the boys outside to play. I went out with them on Monday, when it was 60º, and Jude did a very good job of staying in an appropriate area, so I think he'll do fine once there's a fence.

The biggest thing, to me, is that we've been here a month, and there's only been maybe one day when I would really have been ashamed to have someone drop by unexpectedly. Some days are more productive than others, but on the whole I (and Luke's been helping!) have done well at keeping this place presentable. The dishes are done every night, the stove cleaned, the counters wiped, the floor swept (well, the floor gets done MOST nights). The living and bed room floors are kept clean enough to be quickly picked up and vacuumed once or twice a week, and the most clean laundry I've had piled up waiting to be folded was two baskets (which took me THREE FREAKING HOURS to fold because my ~~monsters~~ children kept interrupting me.

I am still unbelievably stressed out these days, despite settling in. I'm not even sure why anymore. Calculus is as intense as ever, but I'm way less panicked about it. We're done moving. We don't need to worry about a babysitter for two months when I start a daytime summer class. But there's still twice-weekly nonstress tests, biweekly and soon weekly midwife appointments, monthly ultrasounds, daily concern over my diet and blood sugar, and of course, hormones! So I guess I still have a lot going on, and I could probably use a vacation.

But the upshot of all of this is that I'm not regretting our decision of when and where to move, and I don't foresee regretting it unless there is some major catastrophe in the way of house or landlord. We done good, kid.

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Daily Gratitudes:

♥ NO MORE BABYSITTERS! Well, for a couple of months, anyway. I was so lucky to have someone from my favorite mom's group offer to help us out for a few weeks, but it's so nice to be free of worrying about who might be sick or healthy (my own kids included!) or have emergencies or ... Now my awesome husband gets to be home with our kids while I'm in class, which is cool in and of itself. And an extra bonus; my calculus study partner has offered to babysit an occasional Friday or Saturday night for cheap as long as I help her pass. ;)
♥ I read a quote the other day that really gave me the strength to keep pushing through this calculus class.
♥ Plarn! I'm 75% finished crocheting a GIANT plastic beach bag out of recycled grocery bags from Target and Kohl's. So far, I figure I've saved about 30 bags from the landfill or chemically processed recycling, and will have saved 10 more before I'm through. All to make ONE awesome bag. It's fun, it's green, I love it.
♥ I scored a free Minolta SR-T102 on freecycle when I asked for darkroom equipment (which I still haven't received from anyone). I need to replace the meter battery and buy some film, but lenses (even GOOD lenses) are really cheap for it and I think it's going to be a totally fun camera to use in the Film Photography class I'm planning to take this summer.
♥ My blood sugar management seems to be going well. Diet and Glyburide are controlling it well, and I don't think I'll end up on insulin. Whew!
♥ Mom's night out is tonight, and GODS do I need it!

Why We Love Piano

2011-03-15T18:45:00.000-07:00

You know that my kids don't go to school. You know that we've tried an alternative type school and it wasn't for us. You know that we move a lot and that our life is generally hectic and inconsistent. That's not always good for kids, but mine seem to tough it out alright.

Probably the most consistent thing in Quentin's life for the past three years (!!!) is his piano lesson. He's been taking them since he was 3.5, with the same teacher for all but a couple of months at the beginning when we were still finding the right person for him.

Now let me say from the start that this is one area that I've definitely fallen into the trap of encouraging my kid to do something because I wish I'd had the opportunity. I've always wished I could play the piano, and I know it's something best learned early. To be fair, though, he showed a definite interest, I just jumped on it enthusiastically when I saw that.

So now, almost every Saturday (sometimes a different day, some weeks we miss, but almost), we drive to Miss Stephanie's house and Quentin learns something new (or relearns something old) from someone who's not his parent. Several times a week, he practices what he's learned, and right now he's gearing up for his second recital.

For us, piano is about so much more than learning to play an instrument. When we started researching lessons, I considered the Suzuki method. I'd heard it was especially good for young students, that they would play music right away, and learn the technicalities later. When I interviewed Stephanie, she was open to the concept, but also had a very obvious preference (and very convincing arguments) for the traditional method. So, from age 3, Quentin has been learning to read music.

But again, while I think there is tremendous value to learning to read music and play the piano, both for its own sake and for the musical avenues it opens up to him later, that's only a small part of what I think he's getting from all of this. Apart from learning to read and appreciate music and PLAY the piano, he's also working on his word-reading (and writing) skills, his math skills, pattern recognition, his ability to persevere when something is difficult, the rewards of working hard, time management, appropriate behavior for group performances (both as a performer and an audience member), and just so much more that I can't even come up with it all right now.

Another definite perk is that he's got this consistent, beloved mentor, who is not his mom or his dad. Obviously, I think parents should be central to their children's learning, but I also think that knowing when and where to find someone else, an expert, to consult, is extremely important. Having a trusted mentor is important. And Stephanie fits that bill. I've always had an image of piano teachers as smelly old ladies with rulers for your mis-plucking knuckles, but she couldn't POSSIBLY be further from that image (I mean, she's doing her master's thesis on something involving punk rock, for crying out loud!) And most importantly, to me, Quentin not only respects but adores her. And I get the feeling she kind of likes him, too, which helps.

Quentin and Miss Stephanie after his first recital last May

This post is inspired tonight by hearing the beautiful words, "Mommy, I've gotten SO GOOD at this song, because I've played it so many times I can feel the rhythm," and then watching him complete a workbook assignment tallying up the number of beats in a measure and deciding whether or not it matches the time signature of the music. Math! in the middle of a music lesson. How awesome is that?

Quentin's recital is the second week of April, and I'm betting he'll be moving on to his next lesson book around that time. The crazy thing? He's done with his primers. This was his first book:

and there were three in this primer series. This spring he'll be getting his first legit "Beginner" book. This one, assuming his teacher continues with the same series, which I think she does:

(affiliate links, I get a whole penny or two if you order from them)

We love piano. Quentin was so excited about it in the beginning, and though he's had a couple of moments of "I don't wanna do this anymore," they haven't lasted more than a couple of weeks, and they almost always come right before a real breakthrough in his learning. He positively DEVOURS the attention he gets from being in the spotlight during a recital. And I am amazed to see my little boy doing this professional-looking thing.

One of three variations on "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" last May

He's been saying more and more lately that he loves to play the piano. He's been composing music on his own in his free time, including when he gets sent to his room for being difficult. I LOVE that. What a wonderful outlet of expression for him.

Do I expect my son to become a famous concert pianist or even the next Ben Folds or Tim Minchin? Well that would be really fucking cool, but no. There are so many things he could and can do, and they are all pretty fucking cool. But I think that the experience of learning is wonderful for him, and I can't imagine anything better than really knowing how to play and doing it just because it's fun.

Here's last year's recital video:

Fresh Starts

2011-03-03T14:40:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it's because my mom and I moved every couple of years when I was a kid, or if it's just in my blood, but I am a gypsy at heart. Starting over always feels good to me. A blank slate, a new opportunity to invent myself, my home, my education, my *fill in the blank,* a second (third, fourth, etc) chance.

This past weekend, we did the big part of moving to a new home. There are still things floating around our old place (we have a two-week overlap on leases), but all of our furniture and most of our stuff is here. The space is smaller, closer to 1000 feet than the 1500 we had before, but we've purged again and again both before, during, and after moving, and I think we've whittled it down to a manageable size. It FEELS more open, freer.

We're a bit farther from Luke's place of employment, but he's still fewer than 10 miles away. It's reasonable. We're fewer than five miles now from the babysitter (YAY!!) and the community college. This is going to make life so much easier; I can't even believe we considered moving to Bolingbrook (quite a bit farther south of everything than we were even before).

We only have one bathroom (we had 1.5 before). I was a bit panicky about this, especially since it's not large, but the deep (though narrow) tub almost makes up for it. I can actually soak my whole pregnant body at once. HEAVEN! There's also a built-in corner shelf in the shower, which is a small miracle to me. There's no medicine cabinet, though, and since we had TWO full of stuff before, we definitely need to purchase some sort of cabinet-type thing for the room. Did I mention there's a window in the shower? I LOVE this. We had one before, and I bought a sheer liner and fabric curtain with holes in it to let the light through into the room. It looks great in there.

I've hardly touched my computer this week, barely glanced at Facebook and Twitter. I've gotten so much accomplished. I need to make this a habit. I re-printed my Motivated Moms calendar and whereas before the short list of chores plus daily to-do felt ridiculous and overwhelming, right now I'm keeping up with it, no problems. My dishes have been done every day (and I don't mean I did a load and called it good, but my sink and counters have been empty), my kitchen swept, the boys' playroom picked up, everything just DONE. I don't sit still for long anymore (we don't have a couch at the moment, so there's nowhere comfortable to sit, anyway), and being useful feels good. It's still a work in progress, for sure, but we are definitely getting there in getting settled.

There is so much light in this house, I almost don't know what to do with myself. I was fretting about the lack of a light in the living room, but the first morning I woke up here, I couldn't believe how bright it was. There are large windows on both living/dining room walls, and the wall to the kitchen has a giant cutout, so the light from the kitchen window on the back of the house comes through, too. It's invigorating.

Front view, and before!

New "Entertainment Center" and no couch

Window to the kitchen. Currently also a crap-catcher

Dining area. My tablecloth is in the wash and I haven't bought
the rug I intend to put under the table to catch toddler-droppings yet

I don't have pictures up yet, but I'm working on it! In the townhouse, we hung one photo and one painting, which were given to us as wedding presents (7.5 years ago!), and a whole bunch of empty frames were languishing in storage. Today, I filled many of them and plan to have Luke hang them tonight. This house will be a HOME, damn it.

UPDATE: one of my picture arrangements:

There's a back yard here. We are on an extremely busy road, and there's no fence between the yard and the road right now, so we're not using it. That's the first thing that will happen when the ground thaws, though, and I can't wait to set my bouncy boys loose in their own space. We also have a big "sunporch," which really is kind of like a glassed-in garage? It's got a brick floor, sliding glass doors for walls, and a roof. It doesn't connect with the house but kind of just sits on the back of it. It keeps the wind out, but mostly we're using it for storage. We only need about 1/4 of it for that, though, so Quentin has adopted it as a secondary playroom. The sand table, playdough, and some other outdoor/messy toys are out there. It's nice space, anyway, and the kitchen window looks out over it, so I can keep an easy eye on him and a good portion of the back yard, too.

Note the little head just above the apertif glasses.
Q's playing with playdough on a sled. Beats my carpet!

My kitchen feels GINORMOUS. It's not really that big, functionally; I don't think there's any more cupboard or counter space than there was in our townhouse, but there's more floor space, and just room to MOVE. We put in a microwave cart (frees up counter space) and a baker's rack, and there's STILL plenty of room. Everything has a home, and it's neat and clean.

Before. I don't have an angle like this
because I've got tupperware lids to be sorted all over the counter. :)

I love the diamond-shaped windows on the front door

We purged more of the kids' toys. They're more or less down to legos, unit blocks, wooden trains, hot wheels, an easel, and some big plastic cars. They have a few other miscellaneous things, but that's the bulk of it. They have been really enjoying themselves. There is actually ROOM in their playroom for them to spread out and have fun with the toys they have. They're learning to pick up after themselves, which is also amazing. Jude cleaned up the small pieces of a game they had out all by himself, with no prompting the other day while I helped Q practice piano. And we pick up the playroom every night.

"Before" of the 3rd bedroom/playroom

This is actually a messy state. It's awesome.

All this shelving is perfect for the play room

The boys are finally sharing a room and a bed. Quentin had been sleeping off-and-on on our futon for a few months before we moved, and so we gave up and got rid of the bunk beds (which they rarely used) and moved the futon into the bedroom (this is also why we don't have a couch). We put the boys to sleep at the same time now, and while Jude still makes his way into our room in the middle of the night, we rarely wake up for it, and everyone is sleeping better. Quentin also now has his own alarm clock that he can look at in the morning to see if it's ok to get up (not until at least 7:00!). It's WORKING!

I had been really overwhelmed for the past month or so, and I knew it would be better once we were moved. And it is. For now, I'm productive, tidy, and loving our new home. I hope it stays this way for at least a few more months, before I give birth and spend 30 minutes out of every two hours pumping milk for the Princess and can't keep up with it anymore.

Right now, life is good. Ask me again after midterms. :)

Survival

2011-02-23T08:53:00.000-08:00

I've gone through a lot of blogging phases. For awhile, I just purged most of my stray thoughts here. It seemed a good place to vent, to gloat, to generally chronicle my life as a mother, wife, etc.

I faded off for awhile, busy with other things, I've spent time trying to keep this an organized space, more a blog than a journal. I vacillate, and honestly, for the most part, I write what I feel like when I feel like it.

Today, I feel like venting. Today, I wonder how I manage to spend any part of the day not in tears. I think it's mostly because if I started, I wouldn't stop. Today, I wonder how I can even stand up under the crushing weight on my shoulders. And this sounds melodramatic, and other people have it worse and blah blah blah, but things are also relative, and for my life, this feels like a lot.

We went to Michigan last weekend in an attempt to use the Grand Rapids mini-vacation package I won a couple of months ago, before I'm not allowed to travel there anymore (third trimester). Not only did I forget all our vouchers at home, but both kids were sick and there was a huge snowstorm on Sunday - it took us twice as long to get home as usual. Michigan hates us.

We're moving this weekend. Well, we're beginning the process, moving important stuff Friday, and getting a truck to move the furniture Saturday. The rest of it will trickle in over the next couple of weeks. I wanted to have my sitter watch the boys for a few hours on Friday so Luke (who took the day off) and I could pack in peace for awhile. But, she's got strep throat.

Which means she also won't be watching the boys today, a school day, when I need to be doing homework and attending my calculus lecture. Today, which comes after yesterday, when Luke spent the day alternating between the bath and bed in an attempt not to puke. I would not survive as a single parent, I can tell you that much. I needed SO much to get out on my own today, to devote two hours to my homework, to interact with adults, to have some kind of break from this house and these kids and this weight.

And in addition to my Calculus not getting done, my house being a disaster, moving being imminent and my nerves being fried, I have gestational diabetes, which is so far not under great control. I have to be sure to eat every 2-3 hours, whether I have the time to do so or not. I have to check my blood sugar four times a day (five right now, because I have a 3 a.m. wakeup call to make sure my meds aren't causing hypoglycemia while I sleep). I have monthly ultrasounds to go with my now biweekly midwife appointments. And starting at the end of March, I have to go to the hospital not once, but TWICE every week for nonstress tests. And I am not allowed to bring my children, so they have to go to the babysitter, assuming she's available, not sick, no family emergencies, etc.

Midterms are in 2.5 weeks.

Luke's family has all kinds of major health disasters happening right now, and we're all pretty stressed out about those.

So far, 2011 has sucked - literally, it's sucked the life out of me and I'm not sure how I can do it all. Funny, considering my last post, right?

Daily Gratitudes:
~ I'm not on insulin (yet). Pills, I can handle.
~ I have a family to stress out about, the ability to take classes and chase my dreams, a house to move to.
~ I think I more or less understand Calculus so far. I need to catch up on my homework to find out for sure, but it's not as scary as I was afraid it would be.
~ Luke's parents are coming this weekend to help move the furniture and such.
~ Yarn. I've been having fun playing with it lately and it's a nice distraction.

Being worthy

2011-02-10T09:26:00.000-08:00

I've been hearing a lot of praise lately, from people who know me mostly virtually. They know that I'm a surrogate, a calculus student and hopeful someday astrophysicist, a homeschooling mom, and preparing to move (not far) in a few weeks. And when I think about that objectively, it sounds pretty amazing. But when I think about ME, I don't feel so special.

Mostly, I feel like I'm pushing through life, one day at a time, often stressing out about it all. I procrastinate too much, I yell too much, I am too far away from my goals. I am just living my life, working toward things I want step by tiny step. I feel like I have so far to go and so much to do, but honestly, I try not to think that hard about the big picture, because it's a bit overwhelming.

The point, though, is that I have a hard time seeing myself as amazing. I guess that's called not being narcissistic, but I think it's also probably not giving myself enough credit. I grew up hearing from a variety of sources that I was not good enough for some reason or other. That probably sank in a bit too much.

Someone on facebook posted recently that she feels like, as she gets older, she cares less about what other people think of her. I think, for most people, that's part of growing up. You develop a certain security and comfort in who you are. And I'm getting there. Even now, amongst the people with good things to say about me, there is a lot of background noise suggesting that I'm the hands of the devil. But every day, I'm trying to hear and believe more of the good and turn away from the bad. I'm trying to KNOW that I am amazing, that I do the best I can with what I have, and that I have great inherent worth. And that anyone who thinks otherwise is missing out on knowing someone pretty cool.

Daily Gratitudes:
~ Not only do I know what differentiation is, I can find the derivative of a function. Except for remembering the trig I crammed into my brain in 8 weeks and promptly forgot, I really feel like I'm getting Calculus. Who knew?!
~ Only two weeks until we start the process of moving. It will be so nice to start fresh again, to have a yard (even though we can't use it until the ground thaws enough to install a fence), and to be close to the sitter and school.
~ I've been feeling pretty good lately, pregnancy-wise. I'm usually not sick anymore, not too ridiculously tired, nor too emotionally overwhelmed. I'm starting to even out, and enjoy things again.
~ Haircuts all around this weekend! It doesn't sound like something to be too excited about, but man, the members of this household are getting shaggy!
~ Despite wind chills of -20ºF this week, next week is supposed to be in the 40ºs! Whoo-hoo Bipolar midwest!!

Possibly the most adorable thing I've ever seen

2011-02-01T18:37:00.000-08:00

But I may be a teensy bit biased. (combined total of 35 seconds. DO IT!)

Some context: My son's name is Jude. And he needs a haircut... but that's not relevant.

The World is not Enough

2011-01-27T12:33:00.000-08:00

My mom stopped reading my blog a few months ago, because she didn't like hearing me talk frankly about my struggles to come to terms with my childhood and religion's effects on my life. That's why I didn't bother to password-protect this post. For a similar reason, she unfriended me on facebook today, and it really bothered me more than it ought to have. I should feel lighter, freer, now that I'm able to be myself without worry whether I'll offend her or not.

I've got this quote in my e-mail signature, and I have for awhile now, it goes like this. "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss/Bernard Baruch

And even though I've managed to do that 99% of the time and purged myself of the need to be in the good opinion of others, somehow I never quite got there with my mother. She DOES mind, she minds pretty much everything I believe and stand for to the point that she is unable to have pride in me, despite the fact that I've become a pretty awesome person, because of my lack of HER religious belief. She would rather cut herself off from hearing what I have to say than accept it as part of who I am. Yet in my mind, she matters, and her disapproval cuts me.

What is it about our parents that demands we seek their approval, long after we've reached adulthood, long after we've abandoned any hope that we'll actually GET that approval?

I look at the way she praises my sisters (my half-sisters, actually, the non-bastard children who actually belong to the family she's built), the way she takes pride in their accomplishments but mostly in their faith. Then I look at myself, how I am a constant reminder of her failures in adolescence, and of what she perceives as her failures in parenting solely because I've rejected her faith.

And yet, I keep holding on to hope that someday she'll see me without that dark lens tinted with the flames of hell coloring her vision. I keep hoping she might see in me the things so many others tell me they do: my big, open heart, my passion and intelligence, my compassion and hope for the world. I keep hoping she'll see this amazing person she helped to create and that somehow it will be enough. But I guess somewhere deep down I know, and have always known, that I will never be enough for her, as I am.

But that's a tough pill to swallow, no matter what Dr. Seuss and/or Bernard Baruch have to say on the subject.

Daily Gratitudes:

* My husband, who is the only person I've ever known to show me what unconditional love is.

* My children, who are my drive to become something better, to give them more than I've been given.

* Math. Believe it or not, as frustrating as it is, it gives me something productive to disappear into.

* Itunes U, which helps make up for my professor's rambling lack of direction in teaching calculus.

* Facebook. Even though it was the catalyst for all of this, it has also been a wellspring of love and support in handling this.

Books, kids, rambles

2011-01-17T08:44:00.000-08:00

I have been composing a variety of posts both in draft and in my head the past few days, so bear with me, I'm rambly and bullet-y.

I read 48 books this year, not including children's books. This is pretty impressive to me, considering I spent 2 semesters studying pre-calculus, among other subjects.

15 of those books were read on my nook, which spent only 2-3 months in commission (my jumpy toddler broke it... twice).
Only 2 of last year's books were what I would call "classics," though even those are modern classics (Slaughterhouse Five and Contact). I think this year's list will be much smaller, since I'm trying to tackle some real classics like Homer's Odyssey and Iliad, possibly Virgil's Aenid, and some other heavy stuff. We'll see, I may tire of it and switch back to my good old standby, YA.
28 books I read last year were YA.
11 were re-reads, and I'll probably do that again this year with a few books. There are just some books you have to read every couple of years, you know?
Only 6 of 48 books were NOT part of a larger series, though some of the series (serieses? How the hell do you pluralize that word?) have only one book thus far.
Nook stuff I already own & would like to read this year:

The Odyssey (currently reading)
The Iliad
Dracula
The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes
Thus Spoke Zarathustra
Relativity: The Special and General Theory
How Children Learn
Raising Freethinkers
Anna Karenina

I plan to purchase and read Zenschooling, and I just found out that the second in Rick Riordan's Kane Chronicles series is coming out in May. I'll be buying and reading that in one day, I'm sure.

Last year, I sorted through the NYT's "must read books of the last year" and added a bunch.... which I never read. I think I'll be lucky to make it through the list I already have while studying Calculus and recovering from birth, but do you have any suggestions for me? Take a look at my to-read shelf (this includes all the books I want to read with the kids, so it's long) and tell me if anything jumps out that should go to the top of the list!

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I've been reading Homer's Odyssey, and am fascinated on many levels. One is the style. A couple of years ago, I started a self-study Old Testament course (which I never finished, because I fail at not having deadlines), and one of the first discussions was the context in which it was written. The Odyssey had a similar introduction, explaining the oral nature of Homer's time, how the oral story would have been passed down through generations, changing each time to fit the bard's audience, and ultimately would have come to be put into print. As I read, I hear so many stylistic similarities to the Bible, in terms of repeated phrases, two alternate versions of the same story-within-a-story told a few paragraphs apart, and so forth. It's obvious that these tales were composed (at least in written form) in a similar timeframe, and it is just really interesting to me how differently they are now perceived, one being viewed as pure mythology and the other as absolute truth.

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Luke and I were discussing my fascination with mythology the other day (I don't know if you know I considered attempting a degree in Classics at one point), and how odd a juxtaposition it might seem to be to my love of physics and especially astrophysics. One seems to be literary and historical, one seems to be scientific and analytical. But really, they are both How We Humans Explain Things. Mythology was science before science came around. Both subjects are an attempt to explain the world, the universe, how it came to be, and why it is the way it is. Maybe I am less of a contradiction than I thought.

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Quentin loves Egyptology right now. He watched a video about the excavation of the Great Pyramid of Giza and Kufu's tomb. Now he gets all excited whenever he hears about the Nile, tombs and pyramids, and of course Giza and Kufu. I'm thinking maybe we should start with Egyptian mythology instead of Greek, but man I love Greek mythology.

Side note, we've been listening to They Might Be Giants a lot; I got the album Flood for my birthday. There's a song (Birdhouse in your Soul) that mentions Jason and the Argonauts, so we pulled out D'Aulaire's Book of Greek Myths and read the story. It's awesome, and Q was pretty fascinated.

The other night, as Q was falling asleep, he was jabbering pretty much non-stop. Luke called him on it and told him to quit jabbering and go to sleep. Quentin said, "Daddy, take my brain out and put it back in in the morning." It must be hard having so much going on in your head at once.

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When Quentin was in school, I was constantly second-guessing our decision to send him. It just never felt quite right. Since we pulled him out at winter break, I haven't looked back. I feel so much more at ease now, and am reminded almost every day that we've done the right thing. He and his brother are learning to play together more cooperatively (sidenote: Jude has become a little person in the last month or two. It's weird.), I get to hear all of the amazing things he comes up with, and starting Wednesday, he'll be spending two evenings a week playing with his best friend (the babysitter's daughter). It's awesome, and I feel so much better than I have in months.

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We're looking at moving soon and I hate it. I mean, I love the idea of moving to a place with a yard, of not paying quite so much (our landlady just raised our rent), and not having this horrendous homeowner's association constantly breathing down our necks. But I HATE MOVING. We've lived here for 2.5 years, and it's the longest we've ever stayed anywhere. That should tell you something. Hopefully we can find a place that we'll be happy to stay in for a long time.

Our best bet right now is a little house with a fenced yard that is farther from Luke's work but closer to the college and our sitter. The biggest problem is that it is on a major, busy road. I'm a bit nervous about that, so if you have any experiences, please share them!

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I told you I was feeling rambly. I just tend to have all of this stuff to say and no capability or desire to sit and write it all down. There is a lot more that I forgot, and some other stuff I've been meaning to sit down and put in my personal journal, too. As you can see, my brain has been working overtime. Thanks for reading. ♥

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Daily Gratitudes:
~ as always, my amazing husband. He's been my sturdy raft through the rocky rapids of this pregnancy. He keeps me safe, picks up my slack, and never complains about it. ♥
~ feeling at peace with our decision not to send Q back to school. It's a huge weight lifted.
~ Baby wiggles! Princess Buttercup reminds me every day now that she's here, she's well, and she can't wait to meet her daddies.
~ My macbook is fixed! Apparently it sat at Best Buy for 9 days waiting for me (I never got a call), but now it's back and I can offload my pictures and catch up on my Project 365 posts and watch netflix and OMG I AM RELIEVED!
~ My kids have been playing together. Often nicely. It's a little strange, but also awesome. THIS is why we homeschool. I love my family so much it hurts.

Dads Go to Hell

2011-01-04T14:13:00.000-08:00

So if you're my mother, you probably ought not to read this.

I had an ultrasound today, so I took the boys to the babysitter this morning. Since we're almost completely out of food (we haven't properly grocery shopped since before Xmas, since we've been travelling a lot), I decided to take the kids to Panera for breakfast on the way to the sitter. They love the souffles.

As you probably know, we're not a religious family. We discuss mythology and other things as they come up, but mostly we try not to make a big deal about religious things. So when we were pulling into the parking lot of Panera, and Cake's "Sheep Go to Heaven" was on the radio, Quentin's only real reference point for what the hell it all meant was "Oh, Hannah has the movie 'All Dogs Go to Heaven!'" I said, "oh, I remember that movie," and left it at that. The song is actually a really good opportunity for discussion, but I didn't really want to go into it right before breakfast, you know?

Another thing you may or may not know about me is that I love music, and it tends to stick in my head. I will sing the same song for days at a time, sometimes, and I often jazz it up by replacing words with my kids' names. For instance, instead of "Roy G Biv is a colorful man, and he proudly stands at the rainbow's end," I might sing, "Quentin Tony's a colorful lad, and Judey stands at the rainbow's end."

Quentin has inherited my musical aptitude, along with my silliness. As we walked into Panera, he was singing/shouting, "MOMS go to HEAVEN! DADS go to HELL!"

And then I died.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-24T22:01:00.000-08:00

Solstice re-post

2010-12-22T08:33:00.000-08:00

A re-post from last year, also crossposted from DuPage Mamas. This year's pictures aren't nearly as awesome anyway.

Christmas Eve is an almost sacred tradition in my husband’s family, which is a touch ironic, since they’re not the religious type. They do this massive and yet informal dinner, wherein everyone gathers around the overlarge coffee table in the living room, and we sit on the floor enjoying appetizers, fondue, cookies, and coffee. It’s a quietly lit evening and everything you imagine Christmas with your family should be. I somehow always picture a flickering fire when I remember years past, even though there is no fireplace in my husband’s childhood home. Late in the evening, my Father-in-law reads The Night Before Christmas before we all head off to bed.

By the time we had our own kids, we had been a part of this tradition as a couple for nearly five years. It was near to our hearts and one we didn’t want to miss just because we lived in another state. But this meant we had to make a choice. Do we forego the Christmas morning tradition at home in order to have Christmas eve in Michigan? Do we miss out on the wonderful memories of the family fondue dinner and Grandpa reading The Night Before Christmas to have our own Christmas morning gift-opening followed by a solitary holiday?

What we ultimately decided on, given our own agnosticism and in particular my propensity for earth-centered religion, was to make our own tradition, centered around the Winter Solstice. Since the solstice happens a few days before Christmas, we would be able to develop our own special rituals without losing out on that connection to our families, and what is, for us, the meaning of the holiday.

So last night, instead of dreaming of sugarplums and what we might unwrap tomorrow, we kneaded our wishes for the coming year (symbolized by small bits of fruit) into individual pieces of sweet dough.

Instead of heading to bed early so that Santa could come while we slept, we stayed up all night in a vigil to give the sun strength to rise again after this longest night of the year. Instead of waking at dawn to rush downstairs to the Christmas tree, we took our fresh, warm Wish Bread (search inside for the recipe) upstairs to the bedroom with a window facing mostly east and watched the dawn come upon us.

We rejoiced in this symbolic rebirth of the Sun, in the hopes carried on the rise of a new year, and in our own little, wonderful, amazing family. Happy Solstice, Blessed Yuletide, and Merry, Merry Christmas to all of you.

Cr-48 Google Notebook Teardown and Display Fix

2010-12-17T21:35:00.000-08:00

I'd like to mention that this post was written completely on my newly-fixed Cr-48, at a coffee shop. This includes uploading the pictures from my Evo (android phone), getting them into blogger, and actually writing the post. It wasn't seamless, but definitely doable.

So, you got a Cr-48. Maybe you were one of the lucky ones selected by Google to be a beta tester, or maybe you won a contest, or maybe you bribed your uncle's cousin's sister. Whatever. And for some reason, you want to take it apart. It's REALLY. EASY.

(UPDATE: but let me tell you, I searched the Internet high and low for a tutorial and didn't find one. Until 5 minutes after I posted this. Then I found this wonderful zdnet tutorial complete with SHINY! Professional! Pictures! So go there if you want something fancier. *sniff*)

Part one of this tear-down tutorial (not sure if you can actually call it that) is just how to take the back off in order to access the motherboard, etc.

Part two involves a fix for my specific problem, which I know some other folks have had: The Google notebook appears to not power on at all, but there is a light on the power button. When plugged into a VGA monitor, it works fine or powers on but then the external display scrolls erratically. My problem was caused by the internal display connector coming loose from the motherboard, supposedly during shipping. It's an easy fix, as you will see in part 2.

(UPDATE 2: apparently this fix works for a lot of internal display issues, including erratic behavior, a non-working monitor or internal display, display scrolling, etc. Several of my co-forum searchers reported receiving mild electrical shocks from their Cr-48 along with the display problem. One presumes this is because the loose wire is shorting something else out)

You will need:

a CR48 (duh)
a #0 screwdriver
a little nerve
patience with my crappy photos. I was in a hurry. Click to make them bigger.

Part 1 - Removing the back cover

Flip it over, push the little switch, and release the battery. I don't have a picture of that; if you can't figure it out, you shouldn't do the rest of this. This is what you'll see:

Use your handy-dandy #0 screwdriver to tremove all of the screws, including the three little black ones with arrows pointing at them.

Take off the rubber feet - I used a small flat screwdriver to dig into the crack and pry it up. They're sticky. They re-attach. Don't stress.

Now it looks like this. There are long black screws under the feet. Pull these out and you're ready to take off the back cover.

Tip the notebook on its lip and begin to pry the back off like so:

This part really takes a good deal of pressure - don't be afraid of breaking it. If you've removed all of the screws, you're not going to break it (but if you do, it's not my fault). Pull on each side of this middle part until you hear a little crack. If you just pull on the center, it won't work. You'll see that the edges are coming loose.

Stick your fingernails under these top edges and pry them up (this may be harder than it sounds). Then, starting with the side that has the VGA port, work your way around the edge of the case, pulling up on it as you go. The other side (with the headphone jack) tends to stick, so I save it for last and kind of slide the cover in that direction once everything else is loose.

Viola! The back case is off and you can check everything out to your geek heart's desire. You can see the 2GB of ram hiding under a big black rectangle, the battery, the 3g card, the fan, the 16gb SSD... pretty much everything but the Intel N455 1.66ghz processor, which is on the underside of the board, and much more of a bitch to access. I did it, and even took a few more pictures, but there are better ones out there, and I'm tired of uploading.

Part 2 - Reattaching the internal display cable:

So if you're having problems with the display on your Cr-48 Google Chrome OS notebook, the next step is to reattach or more firmly attach your display cable.

The cable you're looking for is in the upper right hand corner of the picture above. It's right next to the VGA port, under some electrical tape and probably partially attached.

I pulled mine all the way out before I messed with it - I wanted to make sure everything was aligned correctly. You can see the header on the right and the connector on the left (sort of).

Here's another view, of the bottom of the connector. It just pushes into the header.

Line it up and press the middle, and both sides. It will be pretty obvious when it's solidly connected. Even if it looks like it's attached ok, give it a good press anyway. It can't hurt, and at least one commenter said it still solved her problem. Smooth the tape back down and you're good to go. You will be surprised, if you try to remove it again, that it was able to be jostled free in shipping. It clicks in there good and tight.

UPDATE 3: Chad has posted a video tutorial based on these instructions here. If you're more a video kinda gal/guy, check it out.

Hopefully this will solve your display issue and you can have fun with your new toy.

The Plan

2010-12-16T06:17:00.000-08:00

The efforts involved in going to school have been hard on Quentin, and his resultant behavior has been hard on our family. Thus, we've decided to pull him out after winter break.

But it wasn't all bad. Quentin enjoyed playing with other kids (even if they were mostly little jerks), and Jude enjoyed time alone with me. He's actually quite a bit more mellow when his big brother is not around to get him worked up.

So I have to make some plans for the next year. I'm still taking Calculus, and I'm hoping our regular babysitter can take the kids again, in the evening twice a week, so that my boys can play with her girls. They adore each other, and it would just be a really great way for everyone to get what they need.

I'm also planning to try to become a regular face at some playgroups. This is really a struggle for me, because I am not a people person.

You know how, when you talk about school and bullying, you always hear people say, "well kids need to learn to deal with that! That's how the world is!" Well leaving aside the fact that I don't think any kids need to learn that the world is filled with assholes any sooner than they have to, I am the prime example of being forced into a situation NOT teaching me to handle it. What I learned from dealing with kids who were jerks my entire life is that I don't like people. So I avoid them, for the most part, and when I don't, I'm rarely comfortable, especially with people I don't know well.

But I think that this is one place where I have to sacrifice some of my own comfort to give my kids what they need. I don't plan to make it a daily or probably even weekly thing (especially if they're with the babysitter's kids twice a week), but it IS something I want to do. Bonus for homeschool playgroups with people I can stand.

The last really important thing we need to do is go back to having regular one-on-one time with the kids. Once a week, we'll split up, and let each kid have a little time with one parent, unhindered by the other. I think this will be good for both of them, and probably for us as parents, too.

What I want to do for us really amounts to just living life, joyfully, without school. I'm not going to slap some fancy name on it, give it a philosophy or dogma, or stress out about it. We're just going to live, to be a family, to have a good time, to be social now and again, and to learn what we will as we go.

It might be hard to organize all of this, with Luke working late and my taking a class that will require a lot of brain power. But I think it is really the best of all worlds, and the most effective means we have right now of giving everyone what they need.

Trusting ourselves

2010-12-13T16:29:00.000-08:00

I've been rolling a lot of thoughts around in my head for a couple of days now, trying to start composing a together and sense-making post. It's not working so well. This is going to be long, rambly, and have a few seemingly unconnected sections, but the point is, we've decided not to send Quentin back to school in January.

I am not an extremist. Sort of. I actually do tend to adopt rather extreme opinions and ideas, and then swing wildly to the other extreme, before my pendulum settles, usually somewhere near one extreme or the other but decidedly more moderate than before. I guess I might seem flighty and fanciful, or like the worst kind of waffling politician, but really, it's just how I work things out - I try one side, I try the other, and eventually I form my own balance. My husband has learned to cope with this and not get too bent out of shape when I'm off on one of my extremist tangents - he knows I'll eventually sound sane again. This actually does have some relevance for this post, but I'm not sure whether you'll spot it. I'm so emotional about the whole thing, I've not been able to make this as put-together as I'd like.

There are a plethora of reasons behind our original decision to homeschool. It started out with Luke's and my own miserable experiences in public school, with horror stories of how awful schools have become, with a desire to give our children something better. As Quentin grew, and as we researched homeschooling more, we came across many other valuable reasons for our family to make this choice. For one thing, Quentin is gifted, and he's different. We could see from a very young age that he would have a difficult time in a traditional school setting, whether from lack of intellectual stimulation or the unfittingness of being a different kind of learner and a different kind of kid. For another thing, we wanted our family to have the opportunity to spend plenty of time together, to really get to know each other as people, not just evening-and-weekend personalities, to have a flexible schedule, to be free to do what we wanted and when. I wanted my kids to be able to operate on their own biorhythms, to be able to schedule vacations when they worked for us, to not be accountable to anyone else for our time.

This worked really well for us until the past year or so, when it started to become obvious that Quentin wanted more than he was getting in the way of play with other kids. Don't get me wrong. I have no silly ideas about my kid needing socialization. I have no desire for my sons to learn to be like all the other kids. I just wanted him to have a friend or two, and since I was (always do) have some trouble putting myself in social situations, especially with strangers, I thought i wasn't giving Quentin what he needed. And let's face it, a break didn't sound half bad, either.

So we started researching other options. From an "excellent" public school with a bilingual teaching program to Montessori to democratic "free" schools, we read and considered and researched. In the end, and with more than a little heartache on my part, we chose Sudbury, because it seemed able to give Quentin the things we gave him at home (freedom to structure his own day, to move among projects at his own pace as he sees fit, and so forth), while also providing him an opportunity to interact with kids his own age, and older kids (whom he often seems to relate better to), and adults who are not his parents, and have a variety of experiences to bring to his consciousness.

Unfortunately, things have not turned out as well as we had hoped. The first and least important problem is that it's been more of a financial struggle than we planned for. We bought a much-needed new car at the same time as Q started school (an expense we knew about beforehand) AND Luke's student loans jumped to their next tier at about the same time (an expense we didn't realize was coming). If school was working, and if everyone was happy, we would have found a way to make the finances work anyway. But as it is, I feel like we're paying money we don't have for a struggle we don't need.

The struggle? For starters, instead of social interaction in a safe environment, Quentin is getting socialization in the deep end. He's learning how kids form cliques, how they manipulate each other, how older kids are too cool to play with younger ones and try to understand them. He's learning how not ok it is to be different, to be quirky. He's learning how to do what other kids want just so they'll like him, without learning how to exert his own ideas and independence.

I think Quentin does need to learn how to be around people who may not have desirable behavior without adopting it as his own. I think he needs to learn how to assert himself and his needs and desires, how to balance that with what other people want and need.

I don't think that throwing him in with 19 other kids and leaving them to it is going to teach him those things. I think what he needs is to be around other people in a safe environment, where he has someone looking out for him, someone who can say, "hey, Q..." and explain to him how he might go about handling the situation. Someone to say, "hey, the way those kids are behaving, that's not ok." Instead of being thrown into the deep end of interaction with other people, I think he needs to start off wading and be taught to swim. A public school classroom with 20-30 needy children and one harried teacher does not provide that lesson, and I don't think this free school is doing it either.

I read some random advice the other day, from a person I really respect. What she said boiled down to, "Trust yourself. You know your kid better than anyone else. Trust yourself." It really hit home with me. I've felt ambivalent about this whole "school" thing from the beginning. I considered not continuing after our visiting month, but we decided to go ahead anyway, against a lot of nagging concerns. I'm starting to realize that I should have trusted myself all along.

What it really boils down to is that Quentin does not have the autonomy necessary for the "free" environment. There's a movement among some homeschoolers called radical unschooling, and this is the basic principle on which sudbury schools (or at least ours) are run. The idea is that kids can and should be responsible for most all elements of their daily lives.

While I agree that children should be treated like people, they should be respected, their opinions and desires considered, I don't agree that they need the heavy weight of complete responsibility, nor that they can unilaterally handle it. My 6-year-old certainly cannot.

Some species of animals only care for their children while they are still very young. Humans have not evolved this way. We've evolved to have extremely long childhoods, and that's got to be for a very good reason. Because I don't ever try to extrapolate what works for my kid(s) and family onto what works for other kids or other families, I'm just going to talk about Quentin here.

At six years old, Quentin has a lot of needs, and he doesn't necessarily know what those needs are, or how best to meet them. Sometimes he fights them. For instance, Quentin needs to eat regularly, and to have a decent amount of protein at each meal. If he doesn't he starts to lose his ability to cope. BUT often, when he gets caught up in his games and activities, he just forgets to eat. I try to remind him before the negative effects are obvious, but I can always tell when he's starting to fall off the edge and at least get something into him at that point.

Quentin is a sensitive kid. He absorbs his environment, and if that environment is hectic, if it is loud and buzzy and bright and flashy, he becomes hectic, loud, buzzy, bright, and flashy. He loses control of himself because he doesn't have any way to siphon off that stimulation, unless he gets down-time. When we are together, I can help him with this. I can watch him for signs that he's becoming overloaded, and I can guide him to a quiet, restful place. At the very least, when he's melted down, I can put him in bed. He doesn't often like this, especially since he's often enjoying himself even while he's overloading.

Do I think he will need me to take care of these personal needs for him his entire life? Of course not. But I think it's a continuum. I think, just as a child goes from a baby in diapers to a toddler who may need reminding about the bathroom every couple of hours, to a child who can get to the bathroom but may need help cleaning himself up, to someone who can completely manage his own needs, there is a process to learning about yourself and your emotional needs.

And I don't think that being thrown into the deep end is a good way to learn to swim. Quentin has gone from managing his own time with reminders from me on when to eat, when to take some downtime, when to rest, to a place where he can do what he wants when he wants, whether it is what he needs or not. And it's not good for him, and it's not good for us.

What happens is, Quentin gets up in the morning, and is rushed around to eat his breakfast, to get ready for school. Then he spends an hour in a relative stranger's car in the morning, with her kids, who are his schoolmates. He then spends six hours in the "on" position at school, playing, interacting, doing whatever it is he does (which I have no idea about because he almost never tells me, another issue. There's no PTA, no room-mom volunteerism, no parent-teacher conferences; the kids are supposed to be autonomous). Then I show up at school and help him get his things together and get ready to come home. We spend another 45 minutes in the car with those same kids before coming home. MOST days, I find out he has not eaten his lunch (despite my having asked the staff to help him remember).

By 4:30, when we finally walk through our door, Quentin is DONE. He is burned out. He is tired, he is hungry, he is cranky, he is full to the brim of the activity and noise and chaos of his day and it all comes spilling out. He lashes out at his brother and myself. The smallest things set him off, he cries and whines, and loses control. We are all miserable. Today, he said to me, "My morning started off fine, why am I having such a bad day NOW??"

My son is six years old and I am his parent for a reason. He does not have the intellectual or emotional ability to recognize his needs and limits and act on them. And do you know what? HE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO! That's why he has parents. Because WE can provide for him, not only physically, giving him a bed to sleep in and food to eat and clothes to keep him warm, but also to make sure he eats that food and sleeps in that bed and wears his coat out into the cold whether he likes the idea or not.

We talk about letting kids be responsible for themselves like it's a good thing, and I think to some degree, that is true. But I think giving them too much responsibility is putting weight on their shoulders that, as children, they don't need. At least MY six-year-old doesn't need it. I want him to be able to spend his days playing and having fun without having to worry about whether he has eaten or needs to, without having to examine himself and decide whether or not he needs a break. I want him to be free.

I think there will come a day when he can do those things without really thinking about it, and they won't be such a disturbance to his activities by then. But for now, I am his mother, and I am happy to take on that burden for him.

I've said what we're not going to do, but I think I'm going to save talk of what we DO plan to do for another post.

Holiday decorating and a blast from the past

2010-12-06T06:00:00.000-08:00

We finally decorated our Christmas tree this weekend. It's been up, lit, and looking forlorn for a week now.

First we watched Frosty, though, to get us in the Holiday Spirit. :)

THEN we started decorating...

They even worked together some

And the decorations ended up all clustered, a usual. I'm not quite sure what these snowmen have going on.

But it was relatively enjoyable.

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While Luke was searching for decorations (some of which had been hidden from Trogging hands under our bed), he found my memory card holder, complete with two memory cards, that has been missing for quite some time.

March 2009, in fact.

Here's a little sample of what I found on one of the cards. They're not the best quality, but they make my heart ache.

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Daily Gratitudes
~ We have a Christmas tree! And it's decorated! I feel quite festive.
~ Christmas cards are going out next week. You have no idea how accomplished this makes me feel (plus, $.07 prints at Wolf for the picture inside!)
~ My house, it is (getting) clean~~erish~~! It's amazing how much better I feel when there is space with no toys, no crumbs, no crap. Somehow this rarely motivates me to actually DO anything about it, though.
~ Photoshop Actions. They make my life so much easier. I'm learning to stop obsessing over every. single. photo.
~ Facebook. People bitch and whine about it, but it is SO NICE to throw my pictures up there for everyone in my family to see. I'm not thrilled about their photo policies, but I can live with it.
~ Midwife appointment this morning. Dave's coming along, though Ryan got sent to California for a trade show. They'll both be at the ultrasound next month, though.

Snowy Day

2010-12-04T19:06:00.000-08:00

It snowed last night. And it was snowing when we woke up this morning. And it pretty much didn't stop snowing until this evening. We decided to take advantage of it (well, mostly the boys took advantage and I took advantage of that to make some pretty pictures). Snowballs were thrown, a snow fort was built, and hot tea was had. All in all, it was a good afternoon.

Yes, I like pretty snowy bushes almost as much as my kids. Ok, so maybe not.

You would think we'd pulled him out by his ear instead of him begging and pleading.

It was hard to convince him to look away from his project long enough to smile for me.

fort-building

and building...

Focus

Intense work

Tandem Building

Enjoying the finished product

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Daily Gratitudes:
~ This whole post was kind of a daily gratitude. I love my family!
~ The first snow of the year, the one I can really appreciate because I'm not sick of it yet
~ Peppermint mocha. It gets me through my day.
~ Christmas cards are all addressed. Tomorrow, we sign and seal!
~ My mother-in-law is amazing and lets me host my childrens' birthday parties at her house instead of cleaning my own. ♥

Book Review - Room by Emma Donoghue

2010-12-02T16:40:00.000-08:00

Room by Emma Donoghue

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I wish I hadn't read the synopsis for this book before picking it up. It's impossible to talk about the book at all without giving a lot away, and I wonder how the first half would have read differently if I hadn't already known the premise.

It's not a very fast-moving book, but I found it engaging and insightful. The audio version is definitely the way to go if you can.

View all my reviews

More School Issues

2010-11-30T09:32:00.000-08:00

Well, I think they are school issues. I suppose it's possible that they are just standard 6-year-old issues, but the timing is awfully coincidental.

We decided to send Quentin to school because he seemed to be needing more social interaction than I could/was willing to give him. I wanted his needs to be met, without forcing me too far out of my own comfort zone. I think that's fair, right?

But since Quentin has started school, it's like he's on overload all. the. time. His fuse is nonexistent, his temper is like sodium just waiting for a drop of humidity to make it explode. And explode it does.

He has always been extremely sensitive. He soaks up his environment, and quickly becomes overwhelmed by large exciting places. We have to take great care that he is well-fed and well-rested at all times or he will lose his ever-loving shit.

I think that is the problem here. I was hoping that the no-pressure environment of his school would help him avoid the pitfalls seen in so many young kids when they start school. But I think for my sensitive boy, spending an hour and a half in the car with two or three other kids every day, spending six hours with 15+ other kids of varying ages, levels of empathy, and energy, might just be too much. He forgets to eat his lunch about 85% of the days he is at school. If we are alone in the car (and sometimes even when the other kids are with us), he almost inevitably falls asleep. This tells me he is being over-done. (Add to that that Jude rarely naps more than 45 minutes on school days and you have a recipe for ugly afternoons)

We decided to send him only 3 days a week because, well, we like him. I wanted my kids to spend time with each other, and I wanted to spend time with him. But the truth is that when he's home, he's a royal jerk to the people he's around (me, and his brother), and I find myself wishing he were at school just so I didn't have to deal with him. But I know that would only compound the problem, and I HATE HATE HATE being one of those people who is eager to get rid of her children.

And Quentin's attitude compounds my own stress. I've ben having more trouble with this pregnancy than I was anticipating - longer nausea, almost daily headaches, and a short fuse of my own - and Quentin keeps me on edge. I know I need to have some of my own time away. I'm looking forward to starting classes in January and having 6 hours to myself to be with adults and study during the week. But what about my little boy?

If we pull him out, we still have to pay the tuition, because we signed a contract (which I kind of understand and am kind of furious about), PLUS we'd have to pay for his childcare while I'm in class. I could send him fewer hours, except that once I'm in class, that won't work because I arranged them to be on the days and during the hours he's away.

I've heard from some of the staff that there is a rough period after 3-4 months, but no one told me that going into this, and I don't know if they even mean the same thing we're struggling with. I plan to talk to someone about it, but in the meantime, I needed to vent. I'm struggling here, and feeling a little crazy.

But what else is new?

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Daily Gratitudes:
~ Quentin's birthday party went off smashingly (I made an amazing cake!) and we all really enjoyed the weekend in Michigan. We helped my in-laws trim their tree and had hot cocoa and it made my heart happy.
~ My car's clutch went out a couple of weeks ago but it was fixed quickly and UNDER WARRANTY (never had a car with a warranty before), and it's better than ever now.
~ I'm so looking forward to Christmas vacation! We're doing our usual solstice celebration, then going to Michigan for nearly a week. I can't wait.

Six

2010-11-22T06:00:00.000-08:00

Six years ago today, my life changed forever, for the better. I don't think I've written a proper birthday update for Quentin in three years. Yes, since Jude was born. Life's gotten crazy, hasn't it?

And honestly, I'm not even sure what to say that I haven't said right here. I'm the mother of a KINDERGARTENER! (except his school doesn't have "grades"), a pianist, a soccer player, a child with a life of his own and friends I don't know. He's had green hair, blue hair, and red hair all in the past year (or so). His love of all things Mario borders on obsession. He hates pants. He loves math and is learning it all haphazard in his head and on his own terms. He wants to play chess more often. He is a big brother in all that entails, from being sweet and protective to stealing his brother's toys.

This hasn't been my favorite age. Quentin is coming into his personality, understanding how much control he has over his world and exerting it, and being really pissed the eff off when he can't control something.

He's a unique kid. He's sensitive, and smart, and all-around hard to handle. Quentin is every bit six-going-on-sixteen.

But man, is he wonderful. His ideas astound me and his heart melts me. I miss my baby, and I'm looking forward to the person he will become. I'm trying to enjoy the now, and find those little moments day-to-day that remind me why this child has so much of my heart.

Christmas Rejects

2010-11-21T16:43:00.000-08:00

Early this week, I woke up with a rotten headache. Luke brought me caffeine, and I was jazzed for the day. I decided to GET! Things! Done! Jude and I ran a few errands, including a stop at Kohl's to find pants for my crazymaking elder son. While we were there, I happened upon some seriously adorable (read: dorky) Christmas-type outfits and got inspired.

Fast-forward to yesterday afternoon, when I jammed the boys into their semi-matching cords and sweaters and dragged them to the Arboretum in an attempt to make a pretty Christmas card picture. This should give you an idea of how the whole thing went. (All photos get quite a bit bigger if you click, and for some of them, you really just should.)

Actually, things started off ok. But you can just see the look in their eyes that kind of says, "yeah, this is so not happening..."

Then Jude proceeded to go Jersey on us.

you think you can take me?

I will cut you!!

And Quentin's marbles quickly went missing, mostly from the strain of trying to be still and smile while his brother bounced all over the place.

Jude tries to look innocent

Yeah, Mom, I'm so over this.

Quentin decided he wanted to do individual pictures, since he's got this 'smiling adorably' thing down and his brother just ruins all the pictures.

See how cute your holiday cards could have been if I were an only child?

Jude did not find this prospect to his satisfaction .

We thought maybe a change of location would spruce everyone up. We were wrong.

Maybe outside, then? With real, live trees?

Oh my god, mom, I'm going to fall off of here and DIE and then how will you feel??

In the end, we settled for locking them in a bubble and shooting them into space.

Yeah, I bet you guys wish you had cooperated NOW. Maybe next year.

No, scratch that. Next year, I'm letting someone who gets paid to deal with this shit handle it.

The Sweetheart

2010-11-04T06:46:00.000-07:00

Mommy, would you please get me some water?

Thanks for taking care of my plate, Mommy. I'll try hard to remember to do it myself next time.

I love you, Jude.

Yes, Mama.

Ok, Mama.

Hugs, Mama?

-----------------
Calm cooperation or at least polite disagreement?

Kindness, thoughtfulness, and gentility?

Who is this child?

I guess last week was the storm before the calm, because I've found myself saying over and over again lately how sweet and easy to deal with Quentin has been lately.

Or maybe he's just sick (he actually HAS been sick this week).

But I do notice he tends to go in behavior cycles. Usually right ON each year (two, three, four, five, six), he's mellow and awesome. Then he hits the half-years and loses his ever-loving shit.

Maybe this year will be the end of the cycle and he'll just stay mellow.

A girl can dream, right?

-------------------------
Daily Gratitudes
~ The boys have been together all week because Q's been sick, and they've been 85% amazing together, playing well for the most part, only a little brotherly bickering.
~ Luke's boss is flexible enough to not give him a hard time about coming in late today so he can stay with our sick boy while I go to my first Midwife appointment
~ The baby seems to be doing really well, we'll get further details today :)
~ It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! I freakin love Christmas time, and I'm one of the twelve people in the country who is actually excited about seeing Christmas displays and hearing carols and such. I love it.
~ I'm looking hopefully forward to getting more energy in a couple of weeks, because I'm almost out of my first trimester!!

The Crazymaker

2010-10-29T07:58:00.000-07:00

These pants are too long.

These pants have buttons! I hate buttons!

No, I will NOT wear my Halloween costume that I begged you to buy for me, I don't like the overalls!

I don't want to sleep in my bed, it's too hot.

Too cold.

Too dark.

I'm lonely.

No, I won't eat whatever you make me for breakfast, I'll tell you what I want.

Um, I don't know what I want, what do we have?

No, I don't like eggs anymore. I want peanut butter & jelly for breakfast.

No, I won't eat an apple if you put it in my lunch. Just peanut butter & jelly.

I don't like what you made for dinner, even though I've eaten it 3000 times in the past.

OhMAHGAWD this game is NOT WORKING WAHHHHHHHhhhhh!!!!!!!

JUDE SCRATCHED ME OhMAHGAWDWAHHHHhhhhh!!!!

I CAN"T PLAY MARIO? OhMAHGAWDWAHHHHhhhh!!!!

No, I don't want to read that book, it's boring.

No, I WON'T practice piano, it's BORING!

Can I watch Mario videos?

No, that game is boring.

Playing outside is boring.

Why is my life SO HARD???
------------------------------------------------

Someone please get me a padded room and sedative before this child is a teenager.

Crazy weeks

2010-10-23T17:37:00.000-07:00

After spending last weekend in Michigan, Quentin's school week was a bit messed up. He usually attends Monday, Wednesday, Friday, but since we didn't get back from Mi until Monday afternoon, we decided to switch things up. Combine that with the fact that our usual rideshare had scheduling conflicts this week, and he ended up attending Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and I had to stay in the area (with Jude) the latter two days to avoid an extra hundred miles of driving.

Thursday, Jude and I hung out at the zoo, and while it was a really good time, that five hours of walking and playing and eating crappy food was wearing on me (us). I realize most of you do more time on your feet than that every day, but I'm just not used to it.

Friday was a bit mellower, and shorter (thank goodness). Since Q's piano lesson was rescheduled for Friday afternoon, I picked him up an hour early, leaving Jude and I with only four hours to kill. We played at a nearby elementary school's playground (he LOVED the big kids), watched the train go by, chilled at the world's crankiest library, and watched some city workers fix a sidewalk. It was fascinating stuff.

Today, Luke worked (the early shift, thank goodness), which meant I was solely responsible for the morning, including getting everyone ready for and transported to the soccer game and managing Jude while cheering on Q in the pouring rain. I cheated and left Jude in the car (parked on the street 15 feet behind where I was standing).

As an aside, Quentin played an awesome game today. He actually ran after the ball and kicked it a bunch of times. This may not sound like much, but it's the first time he's really focused the entire game and made a concentrated effort. I was impressed.

Tomorrow we drive a 6 hour round-trip to Kalamazoo, where my nephew's birthday party is being held. And that's the end of the weekend. Next week is more school (though thankfully we're back to driving one way), another ultrasound, another piano lesson, and the last soccer game of the "season." Before the game is a Halloween party for the team and don't forget Halloween itself on Sunday.

I'm hoping we'll actually have a break after that, now that soccer's over. But the holidays are coming quickly, with BOTH of my boys' birthdays as well. I think we may be busy until Spring.

Zoo fun

2010-10-21T15:23:00.000-07:00

Another picture post (unfortunately I was unprepared, so all of these pictures are courtesy of my HTC Evo and not nearly such nice quality as my Canon gives me)! You guys are going to start thinking that I actually, like... do stuff with my kids.

Our rideshare ride-sharer had some scheduling issues this week (as did we, from spending the weekend in Michigan), and so rather than driving 250 miles to get Q to and from school this week (rather than the 150 I drive most weeks - for 3 days), I decided Jude and I would entertain ourselves in the area. Luckily, the school is only a mile or two from the Brookfield Zoo, and they have free days Tuesdays and Thursdays from October through December. We still had to pay for parking ($9!!!) and lunch, since it was a last-minute decision and thus I didn't have one packed, but it was way cheaper than it otherwise would have been. Not cheaper than the gas to drive the extra 50 miles, but definitely made for a more enjoyable day.

I haven't much been taking advantage of my one-on-one time with Jude since Quentin started school, what with the nausea and exhaustion and all. So I was actually pretty excited to hang out with him in a direct, paying-attention-to-you, fashion. We had fun.

They're prepping the zoo for the big Boo at the Zoo Halloween celebration, so there were all kinds of spooky guys hanging out in the trees and this HUGEMONGOUS carved pumpkin by the entrance.

We mostly did a lot of wandering and scoping out the animals. We didn't do too much sign-reading (some) or in-depth zoological study. :) We were killing time and it worked. Though museum admission was free, we still had to pay for the Children's zoo (domestic animals and a petting area). Luckily, adults are cheap and 2-year-olds are free. Jude ADORED the goats.

He had to pet each and every one, and he also decided it would be a good idea to sit on the ground and chill with the lazy ones for awhile.

He wasn't even too disturbed about feeding them. They were seriously messy though.

We saw a couple of dragonflies on a random trail (they have a dragonfly marsh but we didn't go there today). I just love these little guys. They're not skittish, and they eat mosquitoes. It doesn't get much better.

I forget what these guys are called, but they were pretty.

We also saw the giraffe like, 50 times. They are so HUGE and majestic and amazing. I want one.

We've been reading (if you can call it that - the book has no words) "The Lion and the Mouse" (affiliate link) and Jude really loves it, so we were sad to see that the big cat exhibit was closed for remodeling or some such. The only lion we saw was this awesome Gryffindor-smashes-Slytherin-to-bits statue near the entrance/exit.

Jude held up amazingly well for 90% of the day. By about 2 (we went in at 10, after a late night last night and early wake-up this morning), he was getting a little whiny, and by 2:30 he was definitely done. We made it back to the car around 2:50, and he fell asleep, I kid you not, two minutes later. Unfortunately, he only slept about half an hour since Quentin woke him up climbing into the car after school. I'm pretty exhausted myself, what with the baby-making and all-day walking.

Hopefully we all sleep well tonight.

Book Review - The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson

2010-10-20T16:30:00.000-07:00

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Ok, so I'd probably actually give this a 3.5 but I though I'd be generous. Part I of the book is AGONY; pure, unbridled agony. If you are a financier or something, you might not be totally bored by it, but for me, it was awful.

By the time part II came along, though, the setup was FINALLY done and the actual story had started to move. While the first 150 pages took me WEEKS to wade through (I had to keep putting it down and read something more interested so my will to live wasn't completely sucked away), I cranked through the last 200 pages in one day.

It is worth reading, if you can take some time and work your way through the beginning. I don't recommend reading it without an actually interesting book in tow to read when you just can't take it anymore. Unfortunately, part I is enormously critical to understanding what happens in Part II, so you really do have to read it and pay attention.

Anyway, if you have the strength of will to get through part I, the book really ends up pretty interesting, and I'll probably read the sequels.

View all my reviews

Lewis Farm

2010-10-18T17:12:00.000-07:00

My mom sent me a Facebook IM out of nowhere last week, asking if we were going to be in town any time soon (she lives in West Michigan while we're in Chicagoland). And it just so happened that we were planning to come up that very weekend. She invited us to visit Lewis Farm in New Era with them, and much fun was had.

(click for bigger versions of the photos)

There was a petting zoo!

Where we also met an apple-thieving camel

And a Booberry Train!

We all enjoyed riding the apple express around the orchard and farm and seeing the pumpkin launcher (which I naturally didn't get any good shots of).

We saw a guy who took off his head

and apples as big as your head.

Quentin may or may not have tried to run away with his brother...

and we may or may not have sold Quentin to the gypsies...

There were giant mythbuster explosions!

Erm, I mean HUGE slides!

It was a blast. Then we went to Grammie & Grampie's to chill for a day (ok, I chilled, Luke helped his sister and brother-in-law move into their new house). We're glad to be home. Have I mentioned my children are adorable?

Book Review - The Forest of Hands and Teeth by Carrie Ryan

2010-10-10T16:37:00.000-07:00

The Forest of Hands and Teeth by Carrie Ryan

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Well, it's no Hunger Games. The premise is interesting, and the story had a lot of promise. Unfortunately, a lot of it was left unfulfilled. I identified pretty heavily with the main character, BUT there was a real lack of depth to 99% of the other characters, which is disappointing. I was left with many unanswered questions that I hope are resolved in the sequel, which I do intend to read.

These people are living in a world where the only thing separating them from a forest of Zombies is a chain-link fence. And yet, while you read about their terror and desperation at times, you never FEEL it. Maybe I'm spoiled by the emotional roller coaster that was the Hunger Games series, but I like to be inside of my stories. While this one carried me through, I felt more like I was riding along a path in an electric jeep rather than being chased through the jungle by the dinosaurs.

The only thing I really felt in my bones was Mary's desire for MORE of life, and the sense of loss from those whose loved ones were taken by the Unconsecrated. And while her scenes of desire with her beloved were moving, the genre was painfully obvious to me as it usually isn't in good YA - I could tell the author was holding back because of the intended age of the audience, and the work was the worse for it.

View all my reviews

Working through the issues

2010-10-04T11:02:00.000-07:00

After last week's bullying incident, I went in to the school and talked with one of the staff members, whom Quentin particularly likes and whom I thought might have a good idea of how things have been going.

We discussed Quentin's experience in general - apparently he's doing very well, flitting from group to group, playing with other kids, and seemingly having a good time. I mentioned the incident of an older girl physically hurting him and the staff member seemed shocked. He said that while they don't take on traditional supervisory roles, of course they're going to take some action if someone is hurt, but that he hadn't had any indication of Q being hurt. As a matter of fact, he told me specifically that Quentin is often seen playing with the girl who had hurt him. I'm guessing (hoping) this means that it was just an accident, a result of too-rough play, and not something that runs the risk of being actual persistent bullying.

It doesn't sound like much when I put it down into a succinct paragraph like that, but the conversation left me at ease, with the feeling that Quentin is finding his place in the school.

Obviously it's a lot for him to adjust to. From constantly being surrounded by other people (I have trouble with that one myself!) to working out the finer points of how to relate to and interact with them to how to assert his own personal rights... it's quite a task and I do expect it to take some time.

We'll be keeping an ear out for problems. The last thing I want is to have him in an environment that is going to damage his little spirit. But for now, I think all is well.

-----------------------------------------------
Daily Gratitudes
~Jude seems to be finally adjusting to being on his own with me for 20+ hours a week.
~I have two more ultrasounds scheduled this month, then I'm released to my midwife!
~We're having dinner with the guys on Wednesday night. Q is SO excited, he hasn't seen them in ages.
~I've been exhausted lately, but not as often nauseous. yay?
~I got a delicious delivery last week, just as I was struggling with a really crappy day (monday)

Bullies

2010-09-27T14:59:00.000-07:00

I had come to the determination that I was just being hormonal. Quentin says he's loving school and quite frankly, I haven't had the energy lately to give him the kind of attention and social exposure he seems to think he needs. After a bit more adjustment, Jude seems to be coping well with his days alone with me, learning slowly to entertain himself and include me in moderation.

Quentin seemed to be fitting in well at school, making friends, and having fun. I had this idea about the school that the kids all liked each other and got along well - that they were one big happy family, as it were. Naturally, there are bound to be disagreements, not everyone will get along all the time, but in general, I thought it was pretty cozy.

This morning, Quentin woke up at 7 a.m., bounded into our bedroom and said, "It's time to get ready for school!" He was brimming with excitement and I thought I could breathe a little because despite my hormonal questioning, it seemed a good decision had been made and I could relax.

And I haven't entirely abandoned that idea.

But when I picked Quentin up from school today, there was a girl, maybe 8 or 10 years old, berating him about using too much water when he mopped the floor. A few minutes later, when he was trying to clean up a game with a broken lid and dropped it, spilling play money all over the floor, she yelled at him again. I told her off that time. He seemed unperturbed, but I was irritated - this wasn't the first time I had heard this girl snark at him.

Later, as we were getting in the car, he said to me, almost nonchalantly, "Not everyone here is nice to me." My heart sank to my feet, but I tried to stay calm and match his tone. After all, we know how kids are, and sometimes it's just necessary for kids to learn to cope with each other. "Oh yeah?" I asked, "who's not nice to you?"

Quentin went on to tell me that an older girl (not the same one who had yelled at him about the game) had bent his fingers backward and hurt him. He said he was going to write her up (the school deals with behavior on a write-up basis - anyone can write anyone else up for breaking rules, and it's dealt with at the Justice Committee, comprised of students and staff), but that she said she would give him a penny if he didn't. "But I guess she forgot," he said.

I FUMED. I buckled him into his car seat, trying to regain my composure. But I mean, somebody hurt my baby. A bigger kid physically hurt my little boy and then BRIBED him not to tell. SO not ok. Once I had calmed down, I asked him about it. He backpedaled, saying he didn't mind that much, but it did really hurt. I told him he SHOULD mind, and that if he wants to write someone up, he shouldn't let them offer him money not to.

The whole conversation seemed to make him uncomfortable. He wouldn't tell me much else, and by the end was insisting it had been an accident. He wouldn't tell me who else "isn't nice" to him.

He can never seem to give me many specifics about what he's done all day. He used to have a couple of friends, but he said they don't play together anymore. I asked him why and he said he didn't know. I asked him if he didn't like them anymore, and he said "it's more like the other way around."

He INSISTS to me that he had fun, but he can't tell me what he did that was fun. No, he did tell me one thing - he worked more on building a KNEX rollercoaster with Peter - one of the adult staff members. He played a board game alone. He's always alone when I come to pick him up. I wonder what the point of all of this is if he's not making friends.

Now, I'll admit, I bring baggage to this. I was always outcast in my dinky little podunk town. I was overweight, smart, and poor. I got picked on incessantly and between that and my crappy home life, I'm pretty sure I've been permanently damaged. I'm not trying to be dramatic or anything. I'm a fairly outgoing person, in the right circumstances, but most of the time, I find myself self-conscious and self-doubting, unable to really just let go and be myself and have a good time. I'm usually a bit reclusive and while I wish for friends to have fun with, I can never seem to make them because I can't let go enough to let people in.

I don't want that for Quentin. He's different. He's an odd kid. But he's got SUCH a good heart. I hate to see him being downtrodden by the cliques and rudeness of this sort of environment. I tend to think of groups of children like packs of hyenas or wild dogs, and when I hear him tell me these stories, that's the vision in my head. Why would I send my child into that?

One of the big ideals of this school is that the kids aren't being "watched over." There are staff members to talk to, to remind the kids of things that need to be done, and so forth. But they "do not undertake to supervise" the children. It's about independence and freedom. Which I think is AWESOME. Except while I know Quentin is perfectly capable of being independent and responsible for himself in most aspects, I'm not sure he's emotionally ready to handle being pushed around.

He doesn't have teachers supervising the situation (of course if someone saw something happen, they'd take action, but there are maybe two staff members in the building with 20 kids in 6 different rooms). He obviously doesn't have the strength to stand up for himself. He wants so badly to be accepted and loved that he'll let kids treat him badly, he'll let them bribe him into silence. I am not ok with that.

I know kids have to learn to deal with these sorts of situations. But at five years old, with no one watching over him? When we're at playgroup, I tend to let the kids work out their own differences. But these are usually kids similar in age, and of course, there is a limit - a point at which I will get involved. He doesn't have that at school.

He keeps telling me he is having fun, that he likes school, that he wants to go back. I'm trying to tell myself that this means it's not bad enough that I should be worried. But the mama bear in me is growling. And I don't know quite how to handle this.

School update - nothing's ever easy

2010-09-20T10:01:00.000-07:00

Since I was pregnant with Quentin, I've been researching homeschooling. I spent months, maybe years finding out about the hows and whys and convincing Luke that it was probably a good idea to at least try it.

As Quentin has grown, we've become more and more confident that public schools would not be the best place for him. He's eccentric, he thinks outside the box, he doesn't do well sitting still and listening to other people talk, and he has a love of learning we worry would be squashed out of him in that setting.

But there's even more to our homeschool decision than academics and pressure. This part is hard to explain without coming off as judgmental of families who make different choices, so let me give a disclaimer that I'm NOT doing that.

Our other reason for wanting to homeschool not only our eccentric child but also our more conventional one is the same reason we decided it would be best for our family if I didn't work while the kids were young. We wanted to be together. Kids are young and needy for such a short time, in the grand scheme, the family is together for a blink in our collective lives. We wanted to give them as much of ourselves as we could during that time.

I love watching my kids grow and learn. I worked for about 6-8 months when Quentin was a year and a half old or so, and while I LOVED my "grownup time," time to be myself, to be useful in some way other than being a mother, my freedom to blast my music on my commute, I really missed out on the daily interactions with my boy. He would come home with drawings and stories and I would think that he should be doing those things with ME. Eventually, I quit my job and went back to being at home. Sometimes I felt like that was a crazy thing to do, that I would give anything for a day of peace while he was at daycare. But mostly, I enjoyed being with him.

Quentin's been in "school" now for a couple of weeks. Pedagogically, the school is everything we could have dreamed of. He gets to play all day with a variety of toys, some of them branded educational and others which are incidentally so. And even when he's doing nothing more than playing hide and seek with his best school-friends, he's learning a variety of important life skills.

But while the first week was amazing, I'm starting to feel the strain. For one thing, I can't figure out where we fit anymore. I'd planned on continuing to be "homeschoolers," using the school as a social supplement. But now that it's happening, I feel like Quentin goes to school three days a week and we spend the other two week days recovering. And I've had this nagging feeling for most of the past week reminding me there was more to our homeschool decision than pedagogy and educational philosophy. I feel like a traitor to my own ideals, and I miss my family. I thought I'd enjoy my one-on-one time with Jude, and to an extent I do, but both of us miss Quentin when he's gone, and we go through our day rather listlessly, counting down the hours until 2:30. Even though Q's only gone three days for six hours, it feels like those hours are huge holes in our week.

Additionally, those three days are really hard on all of us for physical reasons. We wake up early and have to go-go-go. This was something I always enjoyed about homeschool - we could all work on our own internal clock and schedule. School days are hard on me (and Jude) because of the school's distance. Even though we've set up a rideshare, three days per week, we're on the road for at least an hour, at nap time (and he usually only naps 45 minutes tops on these days, as opposed to 1.5-2 hours most others). We didn't get the house we were hoping for, and while we're going to keep looking, we'll be continuing the tough commute in the mean time.

Though it seems like having only one child would make chores easier, I've been extremely tired in the afternoons lately, and once we're done with breakfast and our morning routine, the last thing I want to do is run out. Picking Quentin up from school is plenty of effort enough.

To working moms, to parents who are happy to send their kids off to school, to some homeschoolers, even, I'm sure this all seems a little ridiculous. I probably seem like one of those overbearing parents who can't let go of her child. And maybe I am? But for one thing, I've got plenty of time to let go. It'll happen fast. Is there anything wrong with wanting to delay that a little bit? I also think if I were sending both boys together, knowing they would have the opportunity to be together, even tangentially by being in the same open building (ages are mixed at the school), I might feel better about the whole thing. It's hard to say. I really didn't expect to have these mixed feelings, given the nature of the school.

As for Quentin, he seems to be loving the social interaction. He's got several friends at the school, he tells anyone who will listen that his school is special because he plays all day, and he spends a good part of his weekend counting down to "school day." I sometimes wish Jude and I could just stay with him at school, co-op style, so that he could have that interaction and family time as well. But then I remember why I sent him to school instead of doing homeschool groups in the first place - I don't particularly like groups of people, especially ones I don't know. I love my small group of friends, but I just am not a social person.

So I'm really torn. I'm glad that Quentin is making friends and playing games and enjoying himself all day. I am sad that I'm not a part of that day, that he never seems to remember anything to let me in on what he's been up to. I am struggling with the distance and Jude's foreshortened naps. I know that Quentin needs more social interaction than I've been able to give him. But days like today, when the my boys are running around the house playing together mostly nicely, from video games to legos to made-up games, my heart hurts for Quentin's time away. It's possible that Q's time away is making his time at home with his brother more enjoyable. I can't decide. I know that this whole thing is a lot harder than I thought it would be, and that my heart is hurting and my head is uncertain. Nothing's ever easy.
------------------------
Daily Gratitudes:
~ My house is relatively clean and I've got the energy for maintenance today.
~ The kids are running around and playing together (mostly) nicely. It makes my heart smile.
~ Harry Potter. ♥
~ It's been awesome having Saturdays together now that Luke's off. We haven't done much besides soccer games yet, but I have plans for farmer's markets and car shows and hayrides. It's nice just to not roll my eyes anymore when people say TGIF.

Bulleted

2010-09-13T15:28:00.000-07:00

It has been one hell of a day, considering I only left the house once, and briefly. But it has been a day full of stuff, so instead of a full-on post (which I have no patience to sit and write), I'm just going to do a full-on Daily Gratitudes, bullet-style.

♥ It's International Chocolate Day. I mean, what could be better than that? Do I really need to go on with this list? Yes? FINE!

♥ Luke's schedule has changed AGAIN and it's 85-90% awesome. He is back to working until 6 p.m., but now he's Monday through Friday, and he doesn't go in until 9. This makes school prep a bit less hectic, and it means we have Saturdays together now. Luke gets to go to Quentin's soccer games, we can go to the Farmer's Market, and we can have proper weekends in Michigan. I do miss having him home at 4:15, though.

♥ Quentin's first soccer game was this weekend! It was hilarious and a blast. He really enjoyed himself, even though his team didn't score the most goals.

♥ Quentin loves his new school. He spent the entire weekend asking "When do I go back to school? One more day? Two more days?"

♥ We set up a rideshare with another school family and so I only have to make the 25-mile trip once per day now. YAY

♥ We're serious contenders for the house we're hoping to rent. It's 3 miles from Q's school, 3 bedrooms, 1500 square feet, and beautiful. We heard yesterday that four other applications had been put in, but our realtor called me today with a couple of follow up questions, and it could very well be ours! Coming up with a deposit is another worry for another day. Look at it!

♥ My reimbursement check from the transfer trip finally came! Coming up with money out-of-pocket to pay a babysitter for 4 full days, to buy meals, to catch a taxi, etc... it all wears on the bank account. Add that to the fact that we had to pay Q's first tuition installment, and we've been hanging on to our last $3 by the skin of our teeth and credit cards. So it was a HUGE relief to see that reimbursement check in the mail this afternoon. Plus, I'm still craving Buffalo Wild Wings and ice cream, despite having eaten it about 5 times in the past two weeks (yes, that contributed to the low-money-tank as well)

♥ After a long, long wait, my beta numbers finally came back, and I am pregnant! It's a tentative excitement right now, because I was pregnant last time, too, but it ended up as a chemical pregnancy. But it's one step in the right direction.

♥ My house is clean. While this might not sound like a big deal, it's been falling apart since I failed to clean it well before heading to California, and it's been driving me CRAZY! We buckled down and did some serious work on Sunday, and now I can breathe again. <3

♥ I finally re-installed Photoshop on my Macbook. I intend to offload these pics that have been hogging up my CF card for 4 months and start taking pictures again. I miss it. I also plan to buy some cheap 120 film and shoot my Holga.

♥ It's FALL! YAYYYYYYYY!! Warm chai, spiced apple cider, my Red Wings hoodie, jeans, crisp mornings, pumpkin and squash, and Halloween is coming. I LOVE FALL!

Book Review (sort of) - Devil Bones by Kathy Reichs

2010-09-08T16:42:00.000-07:00

Devil Bones by Kathy Reichs

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

I am halfway through this book, and haven't managed more than that. i intend to finish it, because as I remember, the story was curious and potentially interesting. I stopped, though, because I had better things to read and the writing was just not my style.

I was quite disappointed, really, as I had high hopes for the tales that inspired Bones. Reichs is far too detailed about her scenery and history lessons for my taste, though, among other things I can't really remember at the moment because it's been a month since I picked this book up. Clearly it was enough to keep me from finishing it this long.

EDIT: I've tried several times to come back to this book, but it's never good enough to tear me away from my growing to-read list. I'm thinking it will be one of my RARE unfinished reads.

View all my reviews

Babies and Soccer and School!

2010-09-01T18:27:00.000-07:00

I'm spending the mid-week in LA, away from all of my boys, making babies. While I'm away, tons of things are going on!

Quentin started soccer last night, his first real practice. Luke seemed to think he wasn't enjoying himself; he didn't really participate in a coordinated way, he ran back for water a lot, complained that he was tired. But when I asked Quentin if he had a good time, he was emphatic that he had fun and played lots of games and did, in fact, enjoy himself. I figure it will take him some time to adapt to the structure of organized sports, and as long as he's having fun, I don't really care about how "well" he does or how much he actually participates. Just being in the environment is a good experience for him. As soon as he stops having fun, he's done.

Another big event this week happened tonight, when Quentin had an "admissions interview" of sorts at his new "school." After our visit to the open house, Luke and I waffled a lot about Sudbury vs Montessori but ultimately determined that the Sudbury model and part-time enrollment was more in line with our own educational philosophy. We'll be using the school as more of a social supplement to our own homeschooling "program." After the interview, Luke called me to explain that most of the information discussed at the open house was recapped, and Quentin was given an idea of what his responsibilities will be (basically taking care of his own needs - deciding what to do and when to do it, seeking out others as he desires, respecting other people, etc). Q is excited about starting "school" Tuesday, and I'm excited for him about the new opportunities. Not so much the 40-minute each way drive, but these are the sacrifices we make for our kids!

I dropped my classes for the semester, which was difficult but I think the right decision. With so much upheaval right now, I just don't think I could have given as much to my classes as I should. Plus this means we're only paying for tuition, and not tuition PLUS childcare. Hopefully things will calm down and I can re-register in the Spring.

So that was kind of a haphazard update, but at least y'all are now aware of the exciting goings-on in the McHousehold. :)
---------------------------

Daily Gratitudes
~ Upgrading to earlier flights. I arrived a full 3 hours earlier than originally planned. It was awesome.
~ PINKBERRY! This is bittersweet because OMGYum, but there are none in Chicago.
~ I do believe that it takes a village to educate a child in the world, and now we have one, even if we do have to pay for it
~ Free WiFi
~ 72 Degrees! Need I say more??

Jude can box!

2010-08-30T06:00:00.000-07:00

We've had a Wii for years, but it was always hidden away in Mommy & Daddy's room to prevent unauthorized mega-gaming by my screen-monsters.

But it occurred to me the other day that if we put the TV and wii in the living room, instead of the computer, Netflix access would be appropriately restricted (you can't search - you can only play what's in your queue), and there would be more room for active gaming fun.

We don't quite have everything rearranged yet, but I thought you might appreciate the first results of our new arrangement.

Green Day Revival

2010-08-27T11:08:00.000-07:00

"For what it's worth, it was worth all the while."
(this is a very personal experience of the concert I attended Monday - for a review proper, check out the Detroit News)

Last summer, Luke and I treated ourselves to a Green Day concert. They had just released a new album, and I'd only heard one or two of the songs. Still, we're children of that era, and both of us grew up on a certain amount of Green Day music. They remained one of our standby "always nice to listen to" bands, and we both really loved American Idiot, which had come out nearly 8 years before (!).

And last summer's experience was AMAZING. The music was great, of course, but the sheer performance and energy was intoxicating. They played a lot of the new album, and we subsequently bought it and listened 8920984029 times. I cried almost every time I listened to "21 Guns," remembering 10,000 people singing it in unison and imagining an oldschool battlefield where all of the soldiers throw down their weapons and find peace.

My only regret after the concert was that I hadn't experienced "21st Century Breakdown" (the new album) before the concert, the better to really appreciate the music. I started obsessively scouring the tour calendar, but when they went International, I knew I wouldn't get another chance to see them for awhile. They were coming back to Chicago this summer for Lollapallooza, but we couldn't afford the tickets, or the time, really.

I resigned myself.

Then, by chance, last week, I saw a post by Green Day on facebook, advertising a contest to win tickets to their show in Detroit on Monday. Wait, WHAT?! It turned out that as part of their summer tour, Green Day would be playing at the stadium venue DTE Energy Music Theater (formerly Pine Knobb). I instantly went over to ticketmaster to find tickets, and within a day had arranged for my mom (who lives in Western Michigan, a 4 hour drive from Chicagoland) to babysit while we drove another 3 hours to the concert. I knew that even with paltry lawn tickets (all that was left 3 days before the concert, naturally), it would be worth it. We had been pretty far back for the concert last year and it was no less amazing.

We made the 7 hour drive over a few days and arrived at the concert with plenty of excitement.

AFI opened for Green Day, and they were pretty good, too, getting us in the dancing spirit. We stood at the very front of the lawn, just behind the yellow line keeping us off the sidewalk. By the time Green Day was on stage, we could almost see them between the sea of bodies between us and the stage (there was a "seat" section, then the lawn behind all of that). I made the most of it, singing, jumping, dancing, and just generally having an uninhibited good time. By this point, I knew every word of the first four or five songs they played (all from the new album, 21st Century Breakdown).

THEN, half an hour or so into the show, not long after it had gotten dark, two girls came up to us and asked if we were together. I figured they were trying to find a good place to sit - lots of people had pushed their way past us during the course of the evening. I barely stopped singing long enough to answer in the affirmative. Then they pulled out their crumpled tickets (for actual seats in the stadium) and asked if we wanted them, because they had to leave. My mouth dropped open, and I stammered for a minute before saying that YES, of COURSE we did and thank you so much! I may have hugged them. I don't remember.

We made our way down to the seats, which turned out to be 16 actual rows away from the stage (not counting the pit of people standing between the stage and first seats). I could SEE Billie Joe's FACE. It was awesome.

I probably burned off twice as many calories as I normally use in a day jumping and singing and waving my arms and GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR.

See, there's this thing about me and music. I have always had a very strong affinity for it, second only to my love of reading. Actually, they may have had equal status, it's really tough to say. I was never much of a music snob in my youth, the important thing was just to lose myself. When I walked away from the religion of my childhood, my best memories and most missed experiences were those involving music and the sheer mass hysteria of being in the middle of a crowd of people singing with huge emotion. To me, music WAS worship, and in retrospect a lot of my religious fervor was probably more related to the music than to any deity.

Listening to 21st Century Breakdown, usually in my car, had reminded me a lot of those days of religious fervor and Big Tent Revival. Something about the style and fervor of the music brought images to my mind of festivals of my adolescence, of a sea of teenagers with arms raised to receive the "holy spirit," eyes filled with tears and their bodies swelling with that oneness of a crowd.

So when I was again in the middle of a huge crowd, one with all of them as we cried out the lyrics, arms raised, heart pumping, pyro exploding, and an excellent Master of Ceremonies leading us all, it was a spiritual experience for me. Only now, instead of losing my mind and losing myself to an abstract religion, I was reclaiming myself, REVIVING myself.

"Raise your hands now to testify," I sang along with Billie Joe, my arms raised, palms up, receiving the spirit of truth, POURING out all of my bitterness and regrets. "A fire burns today, of blasphemy and genocide; the sirens of decay will infiltrate the faith fanatics" the crowd and I resounded, united in the idea that a frightening force has been in control and is swelling but that in the end, we could only hope that they will destroy themselves.

I shouted and cried, and felt vindication. I grew up extremely religious and have been largely rejected by my ultra-fundie-conservative Christian family. So when I sang/shouted "And there's nothing wrong with me/This is how I'm supposed to be/In a land of make believe/That don't believe in me," I was pouring my heart out into words that I felt were written just for and about me. I healed just a little bit through the tears. "It says home is where your heart is/But what a shame/'Cause everyone's heart/Doesn't beat the same/It's beating out of time"

Actually, I could post the lyrics to that entire song (Jesus of Suburbia), because it is so meaningful, real, and raw to me. I hear my life echoed in the words, just as I do in East Jesus Nowhere. Every time I sing them, I am screaming them out, screaming out my life, pouring out all of my pain. It's therapy for me, and that concert made me feel like a disciple at the feet of my teacher, my counselor, my guide. Someone who somehow put into words all of my pain and began to heal me.

I'm sure the more religious of my readers will hear all of this as blasphemy. But for me, that sense of connection in something larger than myself but nonetheless an integral part of myself... that is what I miss from religion, and that's what I got Monday night. It meant as much to me as any of my Christian conventions ever did. Just as Christian music used to be for me, Green Day's music gives voice to the inner brokenness and longings of my self. My soul and spirit were refreshed and renewed. I was saved from my ugly history and given the strength to go back out into my life ready to face it.

For the rest of you, this probably seems a little heavy for a punk rock concert. But I (obviously) bring a lot of baggage to the way I approach music, the way I approach Green Day. For me, the concert was a place to throw that baggage off for awhile, to let it sit in my otherwise unused chair while I stood and jumped and communed and cried and danced and generally enjoyed the FUCK out of myself.

And yes, as Billie Joe, Mike, the crowd, and I sang 21 Guns, I lifted my face and hands to the sky, I cried, and felt amazing peace.

"Do you know what's worth fighting for,
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I"
-------------------------
Daily Gratitudes:
~My progesterone's back to normal and I'm going to LA next week to make babies!
~Quentin decided last week that he wanted blue hair. He looks AMAZING and we have solidarity in our uniqueness.
~Jude is turning into a little boy. It's kind of weird, but also humbling to watch.
~I dropped all of my classes for the semester. School is something I do For Me, and has been a great reclamation of self, but these next couple of months are just too busy for me to give my classes the attention they deserve. I feel relieved more than anything
~I'm very emotional lately (probably from the fertility drugs), but 80% of the time, it ends up as that overwhelming love of life and my children and a feeling of being blessed.

More school worries

2010-08-17T14:28:00.000-07:00

I wrote this in a bit of stream-of-consciousness format (which is what I do when I'm posting out of desperation), so forgive me if it's hard to follow.

About a month ago, I made a long post about our schooling options for this year, and the upshot was that I would love to send Quentin to Montessori but the school is too expensive.

After filling out financial aid paperwork and speaking with a representative, we have been offered two full-time spots at the school for nearly half of the cost of just sending Quentin is supposed to be. This is only slightly more than we are paying for two part-time days of childcare right now.

But now that the offer is on the table, I'm waffling.

I know that the school we're considering has an excellent reputation, but the reason for that reputation goes against pretty much everything we believe about childhood learning. It's extremely academically driven, and I worry about how much pressure there is on the kids to perform. That's not why I want to send my 5-year-old to school. I want him to have new experiences, outside of our home, to have opportunities, and exposure to different things. And, ideally, I'd like him to have that without having to spend a large amount of time outside my personal comfort zone when it comes to people. I know the Montessori can offer that, but at what cost to his spirit?

What I want for my kids is for them to love to learn. I want them to be happy, for our family to be close-knit and secure, and for my children to have a thirst for knowledge that will drive them to put in effort where it is necessary in order to learn and do the things they want. I'm not sure any kind of standard schooling model can offer that.

We did a tour of the semi-local (an hour's drive/train ride away) Sudbury school, and I am in love with the idea. It would be just for Quentin, though, so even though the tuition is half again as cheap as what we've been offered at the Montessori school, we would still have to work out childcare for Jude while I'm in class and transportation 3-5 days per week. The impression I got from the interview at this school is that it is like the ideal large family (without the drawback of 20 years of diapers). The older kids do their own thing but also interact with the younger kids. Everyone talks about their ideas of life, the universe, and everything. There are books, computers, games, art supplies, and an abundance of knowledge and ideas floating around the campus. It's small enough for everyone to know one another, but diverse enough for a broad range of personalities, ideas, beliefs, etc to be experienced. I really love this idea, and it's only required that students attend 3 days per week (though it's open 5). I feel like this would give Quentin the opportunity to learn and grow as an independent entity without the confines of traditional schooling. To explore who he is and what he is interested and what he thinks. And to make friends, and be social in a more organic environment.

But the transportation issue is an issue, as is the double-childcare.

It upsets me that what this choice really boils down to is convenience. The Montessori school is closer to us physically, and the cost is ultimately the lowest. The Sudbury school is closer to our philosophies about how we want to be raising our children right now, the way we feel is best for them to learn and explore. But it leaves us with a lot of other loose ends.

The other option is to just leave things as they are, doing what school"work" I've imagined for the year together, with the boys in a home childcare situation two afternoons a week. But the kids they so love to play with won't be there, since they're in public school, and short of spending my free days at homeschool playgroups (which I have NO desire to do), that leaves them without the interaction with other children they so enjoy (at least Quentin does, I don't think Jude cares much).

So far, the only people who have weighed in on my decision, given their advice and opinion, are those who are already in favor of "regular" school. I have heard from Montessori parents, public school employees, and traditional school proponents. But no homeschoolers have weighed in.

Every time I read someone's response to "why do you homeschool" or "why don't you send your kid to X type of school," I find myself nodding. Their reasoning resonates within me. Flexibility of schedule. Flexibility of learning style and curriculum. Flexibility of LIFE. Family togetherness. The opportunity to seek out like minds, to avoid shallow relationships, to delve deeply into whatever aspects of life and learning are interesting.

Then I think, we can always put them in Montessori and see how it goes. How likely is it that they'll be damaged for life in one year? If we don't do this, and do it now, we lose the opportunity to do it at all, because the tuition offer is dependent on the new classroom opening this year which they need children to fill. But I have heard horror stories of children whose spirit was bent if not broken in a single semester at the wrong school.

What is bothering me is that I know in my heart what I really WANT to do. If I weren't also taking classes, I would not even be considering Montessori, because we wouldn't need childcare, and I could give Jude individual attention while Quentin was at Sudbury.

And then I feel guilty for doing this for myself right now. I have my whole life to do for me, but my children only need me for such a short time. Why can't I give myself fully to them now, when they need it?

---------------------------------
Daily Gratitudes:
~The weather has been amazing the past two days. Mid-70s, sunny yesterday, overcast today. We've spent a lot of time outside in the fresh air getting our Vitamin D on.
~I really love and enjoy my family. A lot of my concern comes from the fact that we LOVE our togetherness (even though I like my breaks, I don't long to be rid of my children the way some schoolers do). We're awesome like that.
~My sons are each brilliant in their way. Jude spent long minutes (like, 20?) playing with a ball-bearing and gear assembly at the playground today, and Quentin walked on a twisty ladder he called DNA. ♥
~I'm going to California in two weeks for Babymaking 2.0!!

Book Review - Xenocide by Orson Scott Card

2010-08-14T16:33:00.000-07:00

Xenocide by Orson Scott Card

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I still maintain that Speaker for the Dead is the best of the Ender series and that the books get progressively "worse" after that book. That said, I enjoyed Xenocide much more this read-through (listen-through?) than I had previously, mostly because I understood and took interest in the science more than I ever had before.

Knowing what I do about Orson Scott Card and his religious and political beliefs (or at least professions) took a little of the joy out of this book, and more so than the others. I found myself frequently wondering what he was trying to say. Before I had been able to suspend those thoughts and get lost in the story, but they came to the forefront this time.

When I started listening to this books again (I do it about once a year), I didn't intend to read through the whole series, knowing that I could feasibly stop with Speaker and be done, and that I didn't like the other books as much. But as usual, the story drew me in, and even though I KNOW what happens in the long run, I wanted to hear it all again.

If you've never listened to the Ender books, I highly recommend it. The voice acting is phenomenal and really brings the story to life.

View all my reviews

The child who wouldn't eat

2010-08-12T16:58:00.000-07:00

My son is watching Mythbusters with his daddy before bed, on an empty stomach.

While my gentle discipline, attachment parenting, hippie mom crew would probably draw and quarter me for sending my kid to bed without dinner, I honestly don't think it will damage him much. He's not even going to bed without dinner as a punishment, per se, but because he refused to eat what I cooked for him. He made the decision for himself to go without, rather than to eat what I cooked (honestly, I said "eat it or go hungry" and he said "I'll go hungry and eat again in the morning").

Luke and I have started on the road to a primal lifestyle, beginning with diet (and sleep!). We've come to accept (or as Luke says, "buy into") the idea that grains, especially wheat and wheat gluten, are not good for our bodies, and are probably damaging to Quentin in particular (past behavioral, allergy, and other issues). But here's the thing. Quentin won't eat meat. He won't eat most vegetables. He won't eat anything that looks funny or smells funny or sounds like it might be funny.

I don't buy crap anymore. We don't keep crackers or sweets in the house, for the most part. When the kids (or I) want a snack, it's usually cheese or yogurt or a fruit/veggie with dip (today it was green pepper with salsa) or something like that. I figure if there are only healthy options, they're going to make healthy choices. But dinner is making me crazy.

Here's the thing. I LIKE food. I like to cook new things and try new things and have fun with my meals now and again. I've spent the past 10 years training my husband to eat more than a burger and fries, and I do NOT relish the idea of having to go to all that effort again. As it is, he doesn't eat A LOT of the things I will and do and like to eat.

I do not like it when I work hard to make a good, nutritious, in my opinion delicious meal and have half to three quarters of the household turn their noses up at it. I'm at my wit's end. I am not proud of the scene that played out in my kitchen tonight, but when I go back and think about handling it differently, I FUME again over the situation. Do I just let him eat what he wants all day and let him skip dinner every night? SHOULD I make him a special meal? If so, what should be in it?

I guess I'll be feeding him a lot of beans, but I am nervous about that because while I haven't read the science of WHY yet, I know the primal blueprint discourages consumption of legumes and I've come to trust its word on most things. I won't be feeding him seitan anymore, since that's pure wheat gluten. He won't eat meat. How do I get protein and fat into his diet?

He eats asparagus and sweet peppers, a carrot here and there, and once in awhile brussels sprouts. But that's pretty much IT in the way of vegetables. I'm thinking of starting to make smoothies our breakfast of choice, complete with invisible, tasteless greens, and that will get some good nutrients into him.

They eat peanut butter & jelly for AT LEAST one meal almost every day. I don't know how to get away from that. Gluten free bread? Maybe it will be worth the cost since there will only be the kids eating it.

Do your kids eat what you cook? If not, how do you handle it?

Book Review - What is God? by Etan Boritzer

2010-08-11T16:29:00.000-07:00

What Is God? by Etan Boritzer

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This book describes one of the Big Questions (What is God?) as a question asked by everyone everywhere and answered in many ways. It is a little demeaning toward Christianity (describing their god as an invisible old man with a long white beard who lives in the clouds), and I don't like the way it TELLS at the end what god "is" (everyone and everything, and you) rather than making a suggestion and leaving it up to the child to decide what sounds or feels right.

Still, it was a nice response to my son's questioning after hearing about God from some Christian acquaintances, and a stepping stone for perspective. We're combining it with other kids' world religion-type books and various mythologies to attempt to give a balanced overview.

View all my reviews

Book Review - The Earth is Flat! by Mary Atkinson

2010-08-11T16:28:00.000-07:00

The Earth Is Flat!: Science Facts and Fictions by Mary Atkinson

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

The title of this book certainly caught my attention! Is someone really trying to push this drivel off on children? No, they are using an OLD misconception to show how science changes.

My 5-year-old son and I really enjoyed reading this book, which gives a brief overview of the question at hand (is the earth flat?) and how it was approached in ancient times. Many scientific terms are introduced, as well as philosophers and scientists of those ancient times. Mythology is discussed as a precursor to science - a way people explained the world around them. There are brief overviews of many different branches of science, from astrophysics to alchemy and chemistry, as well as information on the scientific method, experimentation, and what is in my opinion the most important lesson in the book - that science changes because scientists are constantly questioning and revising based on new information.

View all my reviews

Guess I'll go eat worms

2010-08-11T14:55:00.000-07:00

I constantly second-guess my parenting and educating philosophies. But one thing I will never worry about is my children's "socialization" or their ability to make friends. This is because not only are they outgoing and perky and want to be Friends! with! Everyone!, but also because I know that where they learn isn't going to have much to do with their ability to make friends. After all, I went to public school and I am the most unsocialized person I know.

I never had many friends growing up, just a couple at a time, mostly from the 'outcast' group in my little hicksville school. One or two were the real, solid kind of friends I felt I could be myself around, and a few were the sort who kind of blew me off when the cooler kids were around.

I was part of the outcast group because I was fat and poor, I was religious, and I was smart and outspoken. I always assumed those to be the reasons I couldn't make friends, and I was always excited at the idea of starting over, at re-inventing myself, without all those stigmas attached (except the fat part, which is HELLO, obvious).

But somehow, no matter how many times I started over, I never quite made it into any "in" group, and never really made many close friends. As an adult, I am finding it even harder to make friends, either in person or on the Internet, where my sparkling personality has a place to outshine my less-than-optimal body. I have many internet-acquaintances, but I'm not one of the people others think of when they think of their awesome blog-twitter-facebook-internet friends.

So, maybe it's just ME?

I am constantly paranoid of being That Annoying One, the clingy, needy, irritating "friend" whom no one really knows how to let down easily and so everyone just kind of indulges just enough to make her go away. EVEN AS I AM WRITING THIS, I am worrying about what you are thinking as you read it, and how you are judging me.

Have you ever said something in a group of people and then hear your words echo again and again in your head, sounding more stupid every time? Yeah, that's me. And maybe that's why I can't make friends; because I worry too much about what other people are thinking instead of just enjoying the moment. I stubbornly refuse to be someone I'm not just to make a friend who doesn't actually know me, but then I constantly fret over what people are thinking of me.

Probably I am overly needy. I had a pretty love-light childhood, filled with alcoholism and fatherlessness and blah-blah-blah, and maybe I try to overcompensate for my lack of familial adoration. I have this gaping hole of loneliness and maybe I try to get that affection and approval from people who have no responsibility to give it to me and it's off-putting. Or maybe I'm just a bitch.

Really, I should jut quit whining and be satisfied. After all, I have a husband who, somehow, saw through all the crap to who I am and loves me anyway. I have kids who currently adore me because they don't yet know any better. And I'm going to make an excellent scientist, because everyone knows that the best of them are all but hermits with abysmal social skills.

The Missing Piece

2010-08-06T14:35:00.000-07:00

As is evidenced by the fact that I have a measley 263 posts and 50 subscribers (holy cow, I have FIFTY subscribers?! Rock on!), I am not really much of a Branded Blogger. I don't write because I'm good at it, or because I'm particularly entertaining. I don't do a lot of self-promotion, and I often get too caught up in life to blog. I write because it's therapy, or because I like to hear myself talk, or because I want to capture those precious moments somewhere they will hopefully never be lost.

Nonetheless, I'm finding myself increasingly jealous of all the fabulous women (and men, though I don't personally know any of them) at the BlogHer conference.

If you know me well, you know this is just silly. I'm not a Branded Blogger and have no desire to be. Writing workshops might be fun, but probably not worth the cost of a plane ticket and conference pass. I don't do people.

I blame AndreAnna for my jealousy. She has reminded me with her two most recent posts, why I wish I was in New York this weekend. While there are a bajillion people and things happening that I'd probably avoid, I'd also have some glorious time away, from my daily grind, from chores, and yes, from my children. While sessions and parties would undoubtedly put me into sensory overload and thus recluse mode, the chance to sit in a variety of bars and chat up a few awesome women at a time sounds positively enchanting (especially when I already know them).

All the BlogHer buzz has reminded me of what I am so desperately missing in my otherwise rich and full life - friends and fun. I'm determined to find some, one way or another (and to be in San Diego for BlogHer11!)

Primal Musings

2010-08-05T08:11:00.000-07:00

About two months ago (?) my friend AndreAnna started talking about her family's transition to a "primal" lifestyle, the main component of which is a way of eating. Eventually, she got so much feedback and so many questions from her friends that she started a primal blog. And you know what that means... recipes!

I watched with mild interest for a few weeks, not changing my own eating habits, but paying close attention to her blogs, reading up on this style of eating, and feeling guilty every time I shoved bread in my pie-hole.

The basic idea of the primal lifestyle pretty much makes anyone even remotely health-conscious go, "well, DUH." Eat plenty of good, wholesome food, move your body regularly, get lots of sleep, manage your stress, spend some time in the sun, don't poison your body.. you know, DUH.

There are more specifics, of course, but the gist of it is to take good care of yourself. It's not a diet - not low-cal or low-carb, per se, though many folks do these things in addition to the basic primal lifestyle to help lose or maintain their weight.

The upshot of all of this is that it made a lot of sense to me. While we're in basic good health around here, we have myriad random problems, from digestive to eczema to behavioral. And, ahem, we may be a little overweight, on the average.

So I jumped in with both feet, cutting grains and refined sugars out of my diet. I kept in the "iffy" things, like high-fat dairy (not milk), and honey. I went on that way (alone) for three weeks. Then came August, and the "August Primal Challenge" floating around the social media-sphere. I cut out those iffy things (along with alcohol - even wine!) and resolved to move my body with more regularity.

I'm still not focusing on losing weight, because while I could certainly stand to, I know it'll come back in force while I'm pregnant. Right now, my goal is to make my body as wholesome and clean a home for Ryan's and Dave's babies as possible, to increase my energy levels so I don't slog through the pregnancy, and just to improve my overall health. Luke's even climbed cautiously aboard for August, starting where I did a month ago, gently.

So if you hear me talking about "primal" eating or the challenge, now you know what the heck I'm talking about. If you see pictures of food, this is why. I've inserted myself into a really vibrant online support community, and posting pictures of the deliciousness is one of many fun ways to participate. In conclusion, I'll share a few of my primal meals with you in photographic format! Let me warn you, though, that these pictures are straight out of my crappy kitchen lighting and my Evo, unedited because OMG I was hungry!

I still have some residual guilt in ditching my decade of vegetarianism. Ethics was not my entire reason for living vegetarian, but it was certainly one of them. I've been doing a lot of thinking and researching and considering on this topic, but I think it is quite personal. I'm glad I was never one of those sanctimonious "OMGCOWKILLARRR" vegetarians, and I hope you're not either.

While primal living calls for all kinds of meats, I haven't been able to get past chicken yet, which I never really stopped craving (and occasionally eating...) as a vegetarian. I'm hoping that next spring we can join a CSA with meat so I know that I'm getting meat and vegetables that are as crap-and-cruelty free as possible.

So close I can taste it

2010-07-23T05:43:00.000-07:00

My classes end Wednesday, and this is both refreshing and TERRIFYING.

The refreshing part is obvious; I get three weeks off before the fall semester begins and it's going to be wonderful.

But, I still have three math assignments, two chemistry quizzes and three (yes, THREE) tests/exams to take.

In five days. UGH

So if you are one of my four blog subscribers and have been wondering where I've been (which you haven't, because I'm ALWAYS a blog-slacker and post irregularly), I've been computing angles and vectors until my eyes bleed and stressing about school/work/money/everything else. But I should have some relief soon.

See you then.

Book Review - James Potter and the Curse of the Gate Keeper by G. Norman Lippert

2010-07-12T16:26:00.000-07:00

James Potter and the Curse of the Gate Keeper by G. Norman Lippert

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This book could have used the firm but loving hand of a copy-editor. Everyone's smile was crooked, and you really want to slap the hero around for the first half to two-thirds of the book. I guess he's supposed to be young and stupid and all, and that's very authentic, but I think a reader is also supposed to relate to the hero of a book.

I also don't think the old characters are very true-to form. It's hard to tell, since they're a good 15+ years older than they were when last we saw them in the canon series, but I just didn't FEEL Harry, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, and especially Dumbledore coming out of their characters. And Dumbledore should have been the same, since it was his portrait that was doing the talking. The new characters are all quite well-developed, though, and I was glad to see Hermione's daughter Rose take on the Hermione role in the group, of a strong, level-headed, studious young woman. :)

As with The Hall of Elder's Crossing, though, the story was excellent, and kept me reading through to the end. I'm really looking forward to reading Girl on the Dock (a spinoff story of one of the characters) and the third installment of the James Potter series.

View all my reviews

Not the Status Quo

2010-07-12T12:47:00.000-07:00

We homeschool our kids. We have since they were born, and it's always been the right decision for us. Lately, though, with much of my time taken up with classes and homework of my own, I wonder if I'm giving the boys - mostly Quentin, really - all that they need.

I frequently feel like his social needs aren't met because he's just so different from me that way. I'm content to spend most of my time with no one but my family, with occasional visits to extended family and friends. He, on the other hand, would go to the babysitter's (or I guess dayhome is the new chic term?) every day if he could, to play with the two little girls who live there. He loves the park and to meet new people and attempt to make new friends. He does have his limits, like his daddy and I do, but he loves his socializing. I just can't seem to meet that need without putting my own comfort aside, and I'm not sure that sacrificing more of my own sanity for his sake is a good idea either, despite the many mommy-martyrs out there.

I wonder if he's getting enough exposure to educational ideas. Unschooling is all about learning through living, but our living is pretty... laid back. Sure, we go grocery shopping every couple of weeks, but that's the extent of our errand-y chores, really. We are homebodies. And while we are full of books, stories, and knowledge; while the Internet is our dearest professor and we learn everything we want to know, I wonder if I'm exposing him to enough of the things he should or could want to know. He spends a lot of time asking amazing questions, but left to his own devices, he's happy to watch crappy cartoons all day.

I've considered a proper curriculum, but the point of unschooling is to let them find their own interests and be led by them. And that's what I want for Q. I want his love of learning everything under the sun (and above the sun!) to continue to grow; I don't want to suck it out of him by forcing him to learn things he'd rather not. Because really, what's the point? Not to mention, I just don't have "teacher" in me. I don't have the organizational skills, the patience, the time, or the desire, really, to sit down and follow a curriculum. Also? It costs money, of which we have precious little extra every month.

And when I think about sending him to school, all the arguments I've used to convince Luke that he shouldn't be in school (which long ago succeeded), all the arguments I use against less-than-enthusiastic family and friends, everything I've ever told myself comes rushing back to bite me in the ass.

We have been considering Montessori, because it's extremely child-led, gentle learning. It gives the kids exposure to a variety of educational topics and hands-on ways to explore those topics, and lets the kids choose for themselves what interests them. The teachers are there to guide, to nurture, to provide more information when necessary, but it's all very much about the child. I'm for that. I really think a Montessori education would be perfect for Quentin's style, for his thirst for knowledge, for his dichotomy of super-intelligence and emotional immaturity.

BUT, the school we toured today is $10,000 per year. For ONE CHILD. I guess maybe that's not so much for a private school, but it's way more than we can cram into our already strained budget. Nevermind sending TWO kids. Even if we were to qualify for a huge amount of financial aid, it would be really tough to come up with that $500 a month. We could maybe do it, if we moved to a smaller, cheaper apartment, cut out all extra expenditures, and really tightened everything down. Maybe. For one kid. And we'd have to throw away $150 just to find out.

So I think again about public school. We live near one of the best districts in the state, and could easily move to that district. It's just kindergarten, maybe he would be fine. But maybe it would break his spirit. He already knows so much academically of what's taught in kindergarten, how would they deal with his academic excellence and social/emotional immaturity? Do I really want to send my kid to a place where he will learn to be a drone, a tool of the system? Do I want him to learn that doing as he's told, standing in line, knowing his place, feeling lesser than adults, that all those things are as important as knowledge? Do I want him to learn that knowledge is something to be forced down his throat, to be drilled into his brain whether he is interested or not? That he doesn't have the capacity to choose for himself what to learn?

And as I type that paragraph, I am shaking my head, my resolve is steeling. No, no I can't do that to him, I can't break the spirit of this bright, curious boy with four brick walls and no choices. But then I think I might be melodramatic, that it's just kindergarten that he might love it. I think about what he might be missing here at home. And I waffle again.

I don't know what to do. I want to give my boy everything he needs to learn how to learn, to be happy and successful (whatever that means to him). I don't think he has to be a boxed-up member of society to be successful. I don't think he has to go to college to be successful or make a ton of money as an adult. I just want him to be happy, to know as much as he could want to about everything he is curious about. I want him to have the opportunity to do anything he wants.

And I don't know how to give it to him. This parenting gig is TOUGH.

Cutting Back

2010-06-28T09:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy summer, and I knew it would be.

I scheduled myself for Chemistry, Trigonometry, and English Composition, all in an 8-week session, plus I'm going through the process of making a baby, and all the usual everyday stuff of keeping my own house (hahaha) and family. It might not sound like that much spelled out that way, but guess what? I've been feeling overwhelmed.

If I had just gotten pregnant on the first go, with a solid, viable pregnancy, I think I might have managed. I was dealing with some fatigue, but that was manageable. But with the chemical pregnancy, it's just too much. I have the natural emotions of going through a loss with these men who have become my friends, PLUS the craziness of coming down off all these hormones. It's like mini baby-blues.

So I'm dropping my English class. It's almost funny, because if you know me, you know English is my forte. I correct grammar in my sleep, I write fairly well, and I just love my language. But this research paper we were assigned really requires sustained concentration and, well, heart. And I don't have any extra heart right now, mine's all tied up in the amazing people in my life.

Trigonometry requires nothing but cold attention, which I can, with effort, give. Chemistry just requires me to sit through class, take notes, and do lab work. I can handle that, since I'm actually IN class. English was what had to give.

It sucks that we'll be losing the tuition money (I'm well past the point of a refund), and it sucks that I'll have to start over with this class next semester. But ultimately, it's a better fate than a half-assed research paper and a GPA to suffer for it.

Since we're probably going to be transferring again in September, right near the beginning of the Fall semester, I think I'm going to cut back my planned schedule for that semester as well. It'll be frustrating to go back to being a part-time student, but if you are going to try and juggle a handful of balls, it's better if they're smaller and more easily managed. Ok, not sure about that metaphor, but you get my point.

All the things I'm doing right now are too important to me to cut any of them out. So instead, I'm cutting back here, Luke's taking on more responsibility there, and hopefully, I'll be able to hold on.

Book Review - The Red Pyramid by Rick Riordan

2010-06-25T16:34:00.000-07:00

The Red Pyramid by Rick Riordan

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I had high hopes for this book after reading the Percy Jackson series. I love mythology of all sorts, and the idea of a new series dealing with Egyptian mythology (Percy Jackson was Greek) was awesome.

I was not disappointed. After a quick and dirty start, the book lags a bit in the first couple chapters but picks up again before too long. I would have read it much more quickly if I wasn't swamped with summer school, and as it was, I often read when I should have been doing homework!

The characters are likeable and for teenagers, probably relatable. The story is told in the context of a transcribed audio tape (!), and the asides at the beginning of the chapters get tiring, but it's a minor nitpick.

There is a definite conclusion to this book, while still giving you a taste of the larger story arc that is to come - I like that. No real cliffhanger, but the promise of more.

I found myself often wondering how much of the story was made up and how much was based on true mythological scholarship. That's cleared up in the notes at the end, stating that the idea of Nomes, magicians, and so forth were really prevalent in Ancient Egypt, and the mythological aspect of the book is as true as one could expect.

These series' are great primers for mythological education. It's a fun and exciting way for kids to get their Mythological literacy on.

View all my reviews

Mobile blogging

2010-06-22T09:29:00.000-07:00

So if you know me at all, you probably know I recently upgraded my phone from an HTC Hero to an HTC Evo (named Eva).

Luke calls her my iPad mini. :) And it's true, I use it more like a tiny touch screen computer than as a phone. I adore it, and type much faster on it than I did on my Hero, but I was still not much of a mobile blogger.

If I had something important to say, I'd just as soon go to my Macbook and do it at my usual 75 wpm, rather than try to tap it out at my paltry 31 wpm tapping speed.

But I may have discovered a revolution. You may have seen the commercials with the guy breaking the texting world record; I did, and I thought it looked like a cheesy gimmick.

But today, somewhere in the vast internets, I came across mention of Swype, which is the text input software in the commercial, and downloaded the beta release to see for myself. My verdict, for what it's worth, is that Swype is pretty freaking cool.

I haven't tested my typing speed just yet, but I am fairly fast, and possibly more importantly, this is fun! The predictive text is excellent, and adding custom words to the dictionary is just a matter of touch typing the word. There's even a handy edit screen that allows for living the cursor, selecting, copying, and pasting text, and more. My only beef so far is that I haven't found a way to minimize the keyboard once I've opened a text field as I can on the stock keyboard, and it takes up a good amount of screen real estate.

So far as I can tell, it only supports English, Italian, and Spanish for now. I highly recommend giving it a try if you have an Android-based phone.

You can find it at https://beta.swype.com/android/get/

Oh, and the best thing? I typed, no make that Swyped this entire post using it. I had farmore trouble with mobile blogger and my mobile blogging app than with the actual text entry.

Father's Day, Part II

2010-06-20T06:00:00.000-07:00

Six months ago, I met two amazing men.

In the past six months, I've gotten to know them, and I've carried their dearest hopes and dreams in my heart.

Right at the moment, I carry those hopes and dreams in my womb. My official blood test for pregnancy is tomorrow. It may be that their dreams aren't ready to come true just yet. It may be that I am already nourishing the lives they will cherish.

Regardless of what tomorrow brings, for today, Ryan and Dave are fathers, and I am so honored to be a part of that.

Father's Day, Part I

2010-06-19T21:30:00.000-07:00

(If you're not going to read all this, please skip to the last few paragraphs. That's all the important stuff)

When we hear a woman is a mother and works a full-time job (or a part-time job!), often our first thought is, "How does she juggle it all?" We wax on about how strong she is, how amazing, how super woman. And, of course, this is rightly so.

But what do we think when we hear a man is both a father and has a full-time job? I know there are surely exceptions, but my guess is that most of us don't think much. After all, that's the way society tells us things SHOULD be. Sure, there are men who stay at home so their wives can work, and they are usually viewed with appropriate appreciation and awe (at least by most mothers I've known).

When we consider a working mom, we imagine her juggling the duties of parenting, keeping house, and working, we imagine her doing the bulk of everything. This is what the media tells us happens. This the way many blogs describe to us the model of WOHM life. We imagine working mothers as some superhuman combination of June Cleaver and Hillary Rodham Clinton.

But when we consider a working dad, we imagine him coming home from a long day of work, maybe (or maybe not) playing with the kids for an hour, maybe (or maybe not) eating dinner with the family and helping with a bedtime ritual. We imagine him engaging in well-earned relaxation, whether or not his wife works.

I'm here to tell you that, while this may well be the case for some families, and while other families may more equitably share duties, my family does not work this way. In my family (especially these past few weeks), it's my husband who carries the bulk of the load.

I am a full-time student, and usually that equates to working part-time, a mixture of at home and away. Since school doesn't pay me to be there like a "job" would, and since I (unlike many WAHMs and WAHDs, whom I applaud) seem unable to focus and accomplish anything while home with the kids, Luke takes over the bulk of the 20+ hours I spend working.

After waking at 5:30 am and working 9 hours 5 days out of the week, Luke is, more often than not, the one to bathe the children and put them to bed. Half the time or more, he makes dinner and at least a quarter of the time he cleans up after dinner (probably half of the time no one does and it goes on to the next day's chores... or the next). He spends many of his evenings and days off caring for the needs of our children while I wade through my math homework, my chemistry reading, my research papers.

Does he ever complain? Sure! But don't we all bemoan our passel of duties now and again? Never does he make ME feel like a burden for going to school, rarely does he make me feel like I'm not holding up my fair share around here (which, let's face it, I'm really not). Always he is loving and supporting and a most excellent husband and father.

Hats off to you, Luke. You are by far my favorite of all the fathers in the world. Thank you for being Just That Awesome.

The thought of more babies

2010-06-15T12:27:00.000-07:00

There was a time when I thought I'd never take another pregnancy test, or at least not without terror in my heart. Luke and I were settled on two children when we decided to have a second, and so I kind of thought that test would be my last.

But then, in the middle of my pregnancy, I found a story of gestational surrogacy. I researched, I mulled, I talked with Luke. We put it on the back burner because, HELLO, I was already pregnant, so it wouldn't be an issue any time soon.

Three years later, and five days after a blastocyst transfer, I'm trying to calculate how long I should wait before I pee on a stick (POAS). I have a beta test Monday to give me the official "pregnant" or "not pregnant" but HOLY CHRIST WHO CAN WAIT THAT LONG??

I was commenting on this on twitter, and AndreAnna reminded me of her 2nd child POAS experience. Looking at those tests, I felt that instinctive stab of utter horror at the idea of seeing another positive pregnancy test.

Then I remembered that it's ok; our positive result, when it comes, will really be someone else's positive result. No more baby who won't sleep, no more constant nursing, no more attention splitting. Just a beautiful, perfect pregnancy, and the happiest men in the world. <3

Quentin's Sad Song (original composition)

2010-06-08T08:15:00.000-07:00

Last night, I had orientation for my independent learning math class, and I had to stop at the store after. Luke was stuck with solo-bedtime duty (not unusual), and Quentin had had a long, arduous day.

As I'm checking out at Meijer, I get a phone call from Quentin, who is VERY upset because his daddy won't read him a story. After talking to him for a few minutes, he passes me over to Luke, who explains that Quentin was very ignorey and uncooperative, and had many chances to listen. Again, a not unusual happening for bedtime after a long day.

Quentin was still up when I got home, and Luke came downstairs to tell me he was going to read a story to Q after all. Evidently, Quentin had once again talked his way into endearment.

"Daddy, I'm sad. And sometimes when you're sad, it's good to write a song. So I'm going to write a song in my head." ..... "Ok, daddy, I'm ready to play my song now." Here's the result.

It would have taken the coldest of hearts to continue to resist after that.