You can't go home again

Mary* had always had "men" issues. Her father abandoned her before she was born, and repeatedly thereafter. She never had a truly good father figure nor male influence as she grew up, and as a result always seemed to be trying to fill that gaping void.

Like most girls with "daddy issues," Mary fell for a string of "bad" boys. She always fell hard, and the endings were always devastating. Christian* was different, and also not different at all.

Christian was probably the only "boy" Mary's mother ever approved of. He seemed sweet and kind, generous, and protective. He made Mary feel safe, loved, and worthy, something rare for her since early childhood. Christian took good care of her, and she soon lost herself completely in her passion for him.

Though Mary's mother approved of Christian, some of her friends did not. They saw his behavior as controlling and jealous where she saw only safety and love, and a sense of self-worth. Mary was happy to change who she was for Christian - after all, he loved her. If Christian didn't like her music, she wouldn't listen to it. If he didn't want her spending her time with people who didn't like him, she wouldn't. If he had an opinion on the way she dressed and how she spent her time, he deserved to be heard and his opinions respected.

Christian became irritated when Mary talked to other boys, and positively irate if she attempted to befriend them. He seemed always to have something negative to say about the way other people chose to live their lives, and he insisted Mary stay away from the friends he deemed a bad influence lest they bring her down with them. If she questioned him, his motives or authority, he would brush her off with responses worthy of a politician. Sometimes he would even threaten her with pain, torture, and threats of leaving her to be alone forever.

Young and naive though she was, Mary soon became weary of this behavior and began to distance herself from Christian. He fought back with violent fury, causing tumult and upset in her relationships with her family. They still adored him and he seemed to delight in making them choose between himself and Mary. She was finally left so brokenhearted that even when she tried to move on and find solace or love with other men, she could only think of Christian and the hurt he had caused her. Inevitably, she would pull away and be alone again.

As she retreated into her self-imposed solitary, she still followed and studied Christian's life with an almost pathological curiosity. She watched others be taken in by his sly charm and protective facade. Sometimes she was angry for them for falling for the same tricks she had, but she often found herself defending those others when her friends would sneer at them. After all, she understood how easy it was for someone hurt and in emotional need to be taken in by Christian's seemingly genuine promise to love and protect them even if they weren't worthy of love.

Over the years, though, Mary began to slowly heal. Instead of being angry or defensive of those people falling for Christian's tricks, she found herself pitying them. She was sorry their lives were such that they needed his control over them to feel safe. She wished they - and she - could find someone to truly love and accept them just as they are and not to try and change them to suit his needs.

As she kept her finger on the pulse of Christian's life, Mary started to hear different rumors about him, rumors that he was changing into exactly that kind of man she had been wishing for. They said he was getting help, becoming more accepting, and letting go of his angry, violent ways. They said he was still making people feel safe and cared for, but without the controlling behavior. They said he was learning to truly love.

Then one day, Mary's friend Hope invited her to coffee with Christian. She was ridiculously nervous about seeing him again, after all this time, but she breathed deeply and opened herself to the possibility that things would be different now. She knew that those who were close to this new Christian truly loved him, and that it wasn't the dysfunctional love she herself had experienced all those years ago. She knew they felt safe and protected by him as she had, during their lovely beginning, that he was the best friend many of them had. And how she wanted that back for herself.

So Mary went to coffee with Christian and Hope, with a heart wide open to love him again. She was surprised that, despite her nerves, when she sat down and began talking with him, she didn't feel much of anything. She glanced at Hope and saw the radiance on her face when she looked at Christian or talked about him. She saw admiring glances tossed his way by others in the shop. But no matter how hard she tried, Mary couldn't seem to feel an inkling of the love she had once had for this man who had been her life.

She truly believed Christian had changed for the better, but she could see with a clarity uncertain to her before this day that he was no longer the man for her. Though she found herself mildly jealous of her friend's relationship with Christian, she new it wasn't him she missed, but the love and peace he had once brought to her. Whatever the reason, she thought, that relationship, that love was gone for her, never to return. She and Christian no longer belonged together.

Mary harbors no lingering bitterness toward Christian. She truly believes he has changed and for the better. Or maybe, she thinks, maybe it's not Christian who has changed but herself. Maybe somewhere during their long separation she lost whatever part of herself made her cling to him so desperately in the past, that had made her open to what he offered her. Perhaps if she had asserted herself sooner, she could have found the good in Christian for herself, while there was still love to be had between them.

But it's too late for "what-ifs" and Mary has to move on and find her own peace now, and her own place in the world, without him.

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*names have been changed to protect the "innocent"