Where have I gone wrong?

I don't even begin to know how to make this eloquent or even sensible, so I'm just going to put it out there as it comes to my mind. If you can manage to wade through it, I would love your insight.

Our new babysitter (whom we LOVE) called this morning to tell me she didn't think it was a good idea for the boys to come back. Ever. Even though there are only two babysitter-days left in the semester (both the same class). Even though it's only 4-5 hours per day.

Evidently Jude spent 99% of the 5 hours he was at her house yesterday screaming and crying. And Quentin? He was rude, disrespectful of the sitter and the other kids (she has two) and the toys, and worst of all, he was downright MEAN to his brother. The sitter told me that Jude would calm down when Quentin was paying attention to him (which he only really did for the last hour or so), but that Quentin's idea of paying attention was headbutting Jude. And not in a nice sort of way.

The sitter made it a point to tell me she didn't think they were bad kids or that it was my fault. She said she thinks I'm a great mother (though how she could tell that from the grand-total hour or two she spent with me I don't know), and that they're not bad kids. But, um, hello? It sounds like bad kid to me. And if bad kid doesn't equal bad parent, how does it happen, exactly?

Maybe the worst part is that we really liked them. The sitter, her husband, their kids. We were hoping to do night-out childcare exchanges, and maybe, I don't know, make friends. And now I feel like that's not really going to happen. Nevermind that this has totally shot our chance of getting a night out together. And we're alone again and I'm trapped again.

I am at my wit's end, in tears here, trying to figure out what went wrong with my parenting. I'm not entirely surprised at Jude's reaction; it's prime separation-anxiety age. But he did ok with our old babysitter, or so she said. Perhaps being in his own environment helped. But Quentin? His behavior has just gone beyond my ability to reason.

Sure, he was probably having a bad day. But I have seen this sort of thing rear its ugly head with him too commonly. I can usually head it off at the pass, separate the two, get protein into Q or get him to bed. And we always rationalize. "Oh, he's having a rough day. Oh, he's hungry. Tired. Overstimulated." But the fact that it is even happening bothers me, and I half wonder if rationalizing it isn't just hiding from the problem and hoping it will go away. His disrespect of people and things and especially his brother deeply concern me. I don't think this is just "normal 4-year-old behavior" because everyone who encounters it (including parents of 4-year-olds) seem horrified and appalled by it. I know I am. And so the thoughts swirl around and around in my mind.

So what did I do wrong? Do I not yell enough? Do I yell too much? Do I not hit him enough (ever)? Do I send him to time out too much? Not enough? Is he overstimulated? Understimulated? Do I pay him too much attention and coddling? Do I not pay enough attention to him? Should I send him to preschool so he can learn to be socially acceptable? Should I keep him home so other kids don't learn his bad habits and suffer their consequences? I guess I'm not the "attachment parenting success story" in which kids are securely attached yet independent, suffer no corporal discipline and end up lovely and charming.

I don't know what is wrong with him or me or what I should do about it. I do know I feel like an awful, AWFUL mother today.